Surprise! I'm Divorced Now!

By Jake

A couple months ago, my wife told me that she didn't think things were working out anymore and that she wanted some space. That quickly escalated into her wanting a divorce. I was devastated at first. I cried hard for two hours. I'm doing better now, but I do still cry every time I listen to Taylor Swift's "This Love" and I am not sure if that will ever stop or if I will ever stop listening to it multiple times a day. I'm not even sure if it has anything to do with the ending of our relationship.

Where did things go wrong? I can't say for sure, but our relationship hasn't been very good since we lived in Hammond, IN. I thought our relationship had gotten a little better, but far from perfect, once we moved to Washington, IL. Then Kaleena started going to a couple's counselor without me. After a few sessions, I was invited to attend one. I go in there and this dude just reads Family Circus strips to us for an hour. He didn't even let me see them! How is that supposed to fix my marriage? If anything, it made things worse. If you're going to go about therapy that way, I at least need to see where Jeffy has been going. I'm just not that much of a visual thinker.

Then Kaleena and I moved from Washington to Peoria. This was our living situation: We moved into a house with a younger couple. Fellow comedians. Then on a random Tuesday–much like 9/11/01–the two ladies broke up with the two fellas. The same. fucking. day. So here's what I did–and y'all are going to love this–I bought a Kindle Fire so I could jack off in my bedroom while weeping. Eventually I moved my computer into my bedroom to maximize my masturbating experience. Plus, I bought a fleshlight. I always did want to fuck a flashlight and divorce is about checking things off of your bucket list.

The thing about the divorce that I find most frightening and daunting is getting back into dating. The last time I dated there weren't dating apps. This was 10 years ago. There weren't even apps! There weren't even phones! You definitely didn't have to send a picture of your dick to anyone, especially not to your date's legal guardian. I do feel like I'm ready to start dating again, though. And you know why? I'm out-of-my-mind horny.

I have started using Tinder. And I know Tinder is a taboo topic that comedians steer clear of, but I am a rule breaker–a real maverick of comedy. I have even made some dates! Writing about the dates will have to be a spin-off. The Mork and Mindy of this article's Happy Days, but hopefully this date doesn't end in suicide like More and Mindy did. What a controversial conclusion that was to a program about an alien trying to get his dick wet.

I don't drink or do drugs because I'm on anti-depressants to stave off panic attacks. I started having panic attacks after smoking some synthetic marijuana called Cloud Ten Storm. As bad as the panic attacks were, it could have been worse. I could have hit people with my car like my friend Travis did after smoking some "spice."

I think alcohol would make things a lot easier, but I don't have to worry about the "beer goggles"effect. That is when you sleep with somebody under you on the sexual caste system. Though, right after the break-up I found every woman attractive because I had sad glasses. And because of the aforementioned horniness.

After a couple months of avoiding my house and looking through sad glasses, I think things are starting to look up and I'm finding myself enjoying moments of happiness. I got some cute kisses (no tongue) from a beautiful 18 year old woman comedian and that lifted my mood and self-esteem more than my horseshit anti-depressants. It seems like nothing is going to happen with the 18 year old, but it was pretty nice and uplifting.

I have finally moved out of the house I was sharing with Kaleena for two months after we split and living with my very good friend Alix and her boyfriend. It has been better for my emotional and sexual well-being so far. I have started dating and it's pretty fun.