One Year in Texas' Person of the Year 2014: Taylor Swift

By Jake

Every year One Year in Texas chooses one person who made the biggest impact in the calendar year via secret ballot. This year we chose Taylor Swift from a long list of people who outperformed all others. Congratulations, Taylor. You deserve the honor.

I went through a lot of personal strifes and triumphs in the year of our lord 2014. From my wife leaving me to take up wind-surfing, to performing stand-up comedy in front of Pauly Shore, this has been a year of true ups and downs. Thanks to a beautiful young songstress known to the world as Taylor (Ms. Swift if you're nasty, but I am not), I learned how to deal with all of the negativity in my life. She told me to "Shake it Off," and when a young millionaire tells you to do something you are all ears, figuratively.

There has not been a singer as charming as Taylor Swift since Lou Diamond Phillips took the role as Ritchie Valens in the feature film "La Bamba." Taylor Swift oozes a delightful awkward confidence that many performers can relate to. I can relate to it, but I am a worse dancer than Taylor, but I believe that I am a better stand-up comedienne than she. Time will tell on that one, though.

Her album 1989 came out like lightning out of Thor's hammer. Or lightning out of Emperor Palpatine's fingers. Or lightning out of the clouds. The point is this: her album is like lightning. Every song is an electrifying bolt emanating from the boombox which holds the cassette I copied from the Target Deluxe CD release of her album.

While "Shake it Off" is the best song ever recorded, it is also the second worst song on the album–the first being "Bad Blood." This is known as the Taylor Swift Paradox. It is a term I invented and will surely be used in academia in the years coming.

Let's not even mention how I cry while listening to "This Love." Please, nobody mention this.

Taylor, this is for you. You are a marvel of the modern world and you deserve this honor like I deserved to have my wife leave me. We all get what we deserve.