Jake's Rejected Jokes

By Jake

A lot of my time in the last year has been spent working on jokes and doing stand-up comedy.  If you would have asked me two years ago whether I would have a huge backlog of jokes that do not work on stage, I would have called you a real piece of garbage.  Now, as a more humbled man, I am here to share with you a stack of jokes that just do not work.  It is not necessarily because they are awful, perhaps they are confusing, too nonsensical or too controversial for Peoria's palate.

This is from the night of the last game of the World Series where Boston was playing St. Louis:

- Are y'all excited about the World Series?  I'm rooting for Boston.  I think it's fucked up that St. Louis has Dzhokar Tsarnaez as their starting pitcher.

- I'm not Merle Haggard, the legendary country and western singer, but I am a certified Merle Haggard substitute and can fill any of your Merle Haggard needs.

- The most relevant member of the Jackson family is Germaine.

- Everybody wants to be a rock star but most of your days in the music biz are spent in a cubicle correlating data.

- The monster truck Grave Digger never dug any graves.  Big Foot didn't have feet, only tires.  But the truck Swamp Thing's Mirken did have a mossy growth on its truck nuts.

- Frankie Muniz has been having mini-strokes.  You hear about this?  It's because he's being haunted by Dale Earnhardt's ghost and the car noises freak him out.

-The Hostess CEO claimed he briefly shut down his company because of Obamacare, but it was really because the cream drill broke down.

- Don't you wish you could eat that goop Robocop eats and not even have to worry about food?

- My dog is 142 years old in balloon animal years.

- A Chinese fire drill is what our red masters used to remove the bullet from Lincoln's head and convert it into delicious MSG.

- Have you heard about these angry birds?  I bet the reason they're so angry is because of the disappearance of the middle class.

- The terrorists took over the planes and crashed them into the 9/11 buildings because the food was so bad, according to Jerry Seinfeld.

- Everybody has a few skeletons in their closet.  Hey, it's 2013, skeletons, it's time to come out already.

- Global warming had to change its name to climate change after turning state's evidence on the Gotti family.

- Every now and then I like to treat myself to a high-end luxury item.  Last week I purchased a catcher's mitt with Aaliyah's face etched into the leather.