Debate: Warm Water or Cold Water?

By Jake and Glenn

Water: what is it good for?  Absolutely...everything!?  That's right, water is what some people in the private sector call the liquid of life.  Other's let it pass through their interior system and spray it out on their lover's face/body.  One thing is certain: without water, we'd be dead.  This debate is about which temperature of water is better: warm or cold.  Quickly cast your votes and then read ahead to see if you were correct.

Jake: Nothing is as refreshing as a nice warm glass of water after one mows the lawn on a scorching summer day.  The sun sits high in the sky and all you can think about is taking a glass of ice cold water and putting it in the microwave for 30 seconds on power level 5, right?    Not only is warm water more refreshing than cold water, it is also better for your body.  Did you know that if you only had cold water to drink you would be dead within 30 years!  This is why the lifespan of cro magnon man was so dismal.  It is also why most people without microwaves who live in the Sudan die so young.

Glenn: As a teenager I mowed our lawn on a near weekly basis - sometimes after a violent urging from my mentally unstable parents.  While listening to Pearl Jam on my headphones lessened the physical discomfort to push one of those old fashioned push reel mowers in the stifling heat, what made it all worth it was a bone-chilling cold glass of water.  Fact: cold water tastes great which is why youth sports coaches keep water in coolers for children before molesting them. Did you know that the only people who prefer warm water are those possessed by a demon or other entity?  Cold water makes the demon uncomfortable.  

Jake: Fact: cold water and warm water taste exactly the same.  Their only difference is temperature.  If I was crawling through the sand of a desert, burning my hands and knees on the sun heated grains, and one of the onlookers offered me an ice cold glass of water, I would say, ‘no thank you, sir,” and refuse the liquid.  If I died, then so be it.  Let my epitaph read, “He is a true warm water fellow/Warm water always kept him mellow.”  Cold water is for the birds, which is why I can never get one to bathe in my bird bath.  To quote your favorite band Pearl Jam, “Warm water has spoken, hey-ey-ey-ey.”

Glenn:  Just today I spent the day outdoors as part of a union picket against a hostile corporation and in the searing, bone-melting sun I thirsted for water.  Thankfully there was a Wendy’s nearby so I filled up my reusable water bottle there while Vietnamese teens made fun of me in Vietnamese.  Why would Wendy’s, McDonad’s, Arby’s, El Pollo Loco and all nursing homes owned by Consulate Health Care serve cold water to their customers/prisoners?  Because it tastes the best!  And because of the health benefits: did you know cold water brings down your body temperature faster after a workout or exercise?  For those of you who aren’t on a rascal yet, this is very important if your body is overheating, like our wretched, overpopulated Earth.

Jake: What is better than soaking in a tub full of warm water after a hard workout?  Practically nothing.  Certainly not soaking in cold water.  That would give you the bends to high heaven.  Fuck cold water and the horse it was pissed out of.  Warm water is relaxing, delicious and invigorating.  Cold water will lower your body temperature to dangerous levels.  Drinking cold water is a death sentence, much like many of the sentences in the Necronomicon.  Warm water is pure bliss.  Have a nice tall glass of warm water and your chi will thank you, and then you will thank me!

Glenn:  You’re right to reference piss and wrong to associate it with cold water.  Our piss CANNOT be cold to the heat that emanates from our groin area - the same heat that’s amplified by a laptop that slowly makes us sterile in a diabolical plot to deal with overpopulation.  Piss is warm and drinking warm water is like drinking urine. For piss fetishists this is a huge drawing point but most of us prefer a relaxing glass of cold water while we have passion-free, missionary sex with our distant cousins.  Even though this debate is about what to drink, I should mention cold water is also great for decreasing your sex drive.  This planet, filled with warm water oceans, may be doomed but perhaps we can slow things down a bit by saving the cold water in the Arctic and drinking ourselves that which has been artificially cooled. Thank you and god bless America and its coldest water.