Debate: Exorcisms

By Glenn and Jake

Pope Francis recently performed an exorcism on a mentally disabled parishioner after a mass.  This has enraged the anti-exorcist, pro devil lobbyists.  Yet, there are still those who do not accept exorcisms as a valid performance of white magic.  There are even those who do not believe in God, demons, the devil, or Jesus.  Who is right?  Unfortunately, we will not know until we are dead.  We will either be in a glorious afterlife that is described in our favorite comic books or we will be in an eternal darkness with no consciousness.  Let’s debate it!

Glenn: Exorcisms and possessions are real, as documented in the Exorcist and its many, coherent well-made sequels.  How else can we explain all the mass shootings in this great nation?  Some might blame them on social alienation, poor mental health services and easy access to weapons but I think demonic possession explains this systemic problem in a much simpler way.  Also, to parents, think about times your toddler has been out of control, irrationally screaming about some stupid thing and unable to listen to your appeals to reason.  Maybe he was possessed - not necessarily by Satan, but something else from hell that seeks to make our lives harder.  Let’s all collective stand up and say no to demons and yes to exorcisms!

Jake:  Your whole point hinges on your pro-exercise/pro-exorcise agenda.  Stand up?  What’s next - burpees?  The only thing I will stand up for is WWE, if they ask me to.  Exorcism is a hoax, like the moon landing or the fountain of youth.  Glenn and I, both members of the toilet community, can agree on many things, but exorcisms is not one of them.  We both understand that there is a hell and Satan is very real.  I also agree that possessions can happen.  Yet, I find it ludicrous that a mere mortal could expel the dark prince from a human shell.  A holy man is nothing but a man with a strong belief in the lord.  Believing in something cannot force something as strong as the devil or his minions from a human body/soul.  Give me a fucking break!

Glenn:  If what my opponent says is true, how do people ever strive past their possession?  Hard work?  Government assistance, like the Lifelong program that gives poor people cell phones?  Or do we assume demons possess our most beautiful tween girls, do their evil and simply move on?  The events of The Exorcist do not support this belief, nor my own possession.  Yes, I admit that when I was in my early 20s I was possesed by a demon - perhaps Satan himself.  I do not remember much of the experience but I was told by my parents that the resident Priest at my public university performed an intense exorcism lasting nearly an entire semester - the length of which would explain my academic problems and the lasting fear of commitment that pervades my life.  Exorcisms are real and I’m living proof that they work.

Jake: You being possessed would explain that one time you threw up during study hall our senior year of high school, but it doesn’t explain one thing: the non-existence of God and the devil.  We are told that there is no Santa Claus, tooth fairy or Papa Shango when we are young children.  Our parents then force feed the belief in God in us through religious schools, church and grounding us from watching wrestling when we question the existence of their chosen deity.  When I got grounded from watching wrestling I always thought twice about the catalyst to that grounding.  Now I am a grown human person and I can watch wrestling whenever I want, which happens to be every day.  I am allowed to not believe in God because my parents aren’t around to yell at me.  They died on 9/11.  Were the pilots possessed by the devil?  Nope.  They were merely drunk on the love of their lord, Jesus Christ.

Glenn:  You just said in your previous point that the devil was real and now you’re saying he’s as fake as the moon landing!  What could account for such an abrupt about face on an important ideological position? Possession.  Yes, I am in fact arguing that my debate partner has been possessed by some demon, perhaps Satan himself or one of the minor demons like Tom Arnold.  What he needs now is exactly what the 9/11 hijackers needed: an exorcism!  Remember in the Exorcist when Regan’s doctor has to admit to the mother Reagan was using inappropriate words, specifically telling him to “keep his goddamn fingers away from her cunt?”  That was a shocking scene, but I’ve heard Jake use even worse language than Regan uses in that movie.  He is possessed and he needs a hero like Father Karrass.  Unfortunately heroes like him are in short supply these days as priests are constantly vilified for the meaningless crime of raping children and helping cover it up.  Times sure have changed.

Jake:  I am not possessed.  I am a human being with human feelings, and sometimes I switch my point of view on the turn of a dime.  What do you want me to do: read my last point before making my next?  Yeah right, buddy.  I’m too busy making references to Papa Shango, Kevin Sorbo and trying to understand the references Glenn makes to political figures.  

I do not believe in possessions.  It is a little too farcical for my tastes.  I do believe in mental illness.  I have experienced every time I have been in the same room as Glenn.  “The Exorcist” is a fictionalized film, every bit as fake as “Theodore Rex.”  In the latter film, Whoopi Goldberg teams up with a tyrannosaurus rex to solve crimes.  In the debates, Glenn and I team up to solve the mysteries of the universe.  Glenn is my Theodore Rex and I’m Whoopi because I don’t have any eyebrows.  Exorcisms are not real.  It’s pure horse shit like everything else you’d hear in church.