Close Encounters of the Casual Kind

By Bub

Hello Earth Human, your physical robustness incites tendrils of sensation within my erogenous zones.  Would you care to procreate?

Hello Earth Human, your slender physique coupled with your eschewing of conventional norms regarding the clothing of oneself and maintenance of personal hair growth while also adhering to the norms relating to the eschewing of such norms supports my desire to replicate DNA sequences that are simultaneously rebellious and conforming; ensuring that I will capture the most delusional aspect of humankind thus maximizing our offspring’s preference pliability.  A simple suggestion or application of reverse psychology depending upon our relationship dynamic will ensure the behavioral outcome we prefer.  Would you care to procreate?

Hello Earth Human, your relentless efforts to incite laughter in me are, while tedious, endearing, in that your DNA sequence will most easily be subjugated for our purposes as it is most eager to please.  Would you care to procreate?

Hello Earth Human, your anomalous fashion statement of wearing a floppy over-sized hat and your rote memorization of sentences meant to be employed poetically in the context of meeting a female attracts me to the extraordinary effort you have taken to gain notice of someone of the opposite sex such as I.  See previous response, and commence procreation.

Hello Earth Human, your basic mastery of subjects of the soft sciences evidenced in the undergraduate degree that you mortgaged your future to attain lets me know that you are willing to make inexplicable efforts to achieve an arbitrary goal set for you by an outside force.  As a procreative partner I would be happy to assume that role.  Would you care to procreate?

Hello Earth Human, your conscious lack of achievement within socio-normative realms in favor of consistent exhibition of disregard for the feelings of others makes me question the quality which makes a human a man in other human men I have met that have conformed to standards set by others’ expectations and objective feelings.  You are particularly attractive because of your apparent intellectual permeability and the potential power you might exert on behalf of my designs.  Would you care to procreate?

Hello Earth Human, your forthrightness regarding your depressive state allows me to accurately assess your earnestness in all other matters.  Since I am only interested in procreation, you might have already addressed your interest in such endeavors earlier between the fits of sobbing I was actively ignoring.  Nevertheless, would you care to procreate?

Hello Earth Human, you do not respond to outside stimuli in a normative fashion.  Your incapacity for verbal communication and lack of eye contact lead me to believe that you are either incapable of physical intimacy or most expert at it.  As a privileged visitor I unfortunately must err on the side of caution and demand that we not procreate.

Hello Earth Human, your unusually pervasive body hair and your uncanny ability to manually climb trees attract me toward your exceptional capacity to withstand cool weather, and the monsoon season.  However your inability to speak audibly or utilize waste facilities leads me to believe it would be unjustifiably difficult for your offspring to achieve our purposes.  I must err on the side of caution and demand that we not procreate.

Hello Earth Human, your sincerity while an admirable trait, will not serve our purposes.  Your moderate attractiveness precludes exception that you might otherwise receive while displaying such a fundamentally vulnerable trait.  Your adherence to an unpredictable set of subjective assessments that cannot be necessarily inferred by social context, will pose a danger to our purposes, despite your abject willingness to communicate the nuances of your sincere objection to the degree or kind of social norm in question.  It clearly requires more effort on our part than it would for the myriad previous example/types that would adequately fulfill our purposes of subjugating human will.

Our purposes are ultimately the same as yours, but with divergent objectives.  We are in the business of breeding the ultimate species for our intergalactic zoo.   I, as our representative, have undertaken the endeavor of hunting down the idyllic human male.  We are interested in what you humans might conceive of as a Platonic ideal of a human male being.  It just so happens that your inherent biological drive is pushing you toward the same end.  I have to admit ignorance as to its particular purpose, and as such am almost ashamed to admit that ours is purely recreational.  Perhaps it is one and the same.  In which case, our objective assessment may prove valuable to any of your future efforts at engineering a successful completion of your biological ends.  Any of the types accepted for procreation above fit the ideal standard for engineering exemplary display human male beings.

But if the ends differ, then our generalized typology might serve no purpose to you.  Hard to imagine though; I’ve been to plenty of zoos and the animals have seemed despondent and complacent in them all.  That said, would you care to procreate?