Existential Meditations - Absolve Your Sins

By Bub

Jesus Christ steps down from the cross after realizing that literally any other symbolic gesture would have sufficiently absolved humans of their sins.

Jerry Seinfeld is killed filming his new pilot ‘The Divorce Caused by Domestic Violence Referee’.

Osama bin Laden, Tupac Shakur, and Marshall Applewhite fly by on Haley’s Comet and wonder why they don’t have more followers.

The poet took refuge in the mud pit.  It seemed the only pure place left on Earth.  All other places of inspiration seemed tried and trite.  Soaking in and inhaling mud was the only edge left that cut.

Carrie Underwood declared her support for nuclear power in Iran.  She was arrested as a spy by the Revolutionary Guard.

Shipwrecked on a desert island.  Again. What are the odds?  Pretty high considering he fashioned a ship out of a rotted palm trunk and coconut husk sails from the last desert island he sailed from 2 kilometers from this one.  In his run-throughs that he pictured in his mind, he would careen well away from this other desert island that he has been staring at for nearly a decade.  However the actual current dashed his elaborate plans.

Mickey Mouse laments the closing of the only extant dimpled glove store.

Sylvester Stallone spits the muffin out of his mouth and perfectly recites the King’s speech.

A bicycle is locked onto a 12 year old birch tree.  Someone turns Junior M.A.F.I.A. up to full volume on their Android and hacks down a $2,000 tree to steal the forty dollar bike.

A back alley heroin transaction turns awry when the patron thoughtlessly neglects to thank the seller for their effort.  Feelings are hurt, though the seller does their best to hide their reaction.

Children board a bus driven by a man that is holding three women in his home against their will.  He yells at them for leaving refuse on their seats.  One child calls him fat.

A dreadlocked community gardener turns away a man wearing a wind-breaker because he could not possibly understand what this hard work might entail.