Debate: Natural Deodorant

By Jake and Glenn

A lot of people get confused when it comes to natural deodorant.  “Isn’t that for hippies?” they say in the aisle of the market to nobody.  No, hippies don’t wear deodorant.  They rub LSD into their armpits and really relate to the lyrics of “Magic Carpet Ride.”  Those who use natural deodorant run the gamut of women all the way to naturalists and back to people afraid of aluminum.  Are you one of these people?  You just might be after reading this debate.


Jake:  Natural deodorant is awful.  I wear it exclusively and it does not work.  I usually smell, at best, like a clean dildo.  Yet, I support the use of natural deodorant.  The aluminum in un-natural deodorant is perhaps a cause of cancer and may make your body absorb HIV through toilet seats and door knobs.  I don’t know all of the facts, but I do know that my wife would be mad at me if I used the kind of deodorant that people who don’t smell like shit use.  That is a good enough reason for me.  And the cancer prevention is just gravy--by which I mean it’s made using corn starch, probably.


Glenn:  For once, I strongly agree with you: natural deodorant is awful.  It doesn’t work and for people like me, questioning their sexuality with hyperactive sweat glands, using it would be a worse experience than browsing the pages of eHarmony.  Regular deodorant is fine!  For the last twenty-six years of my life I have used Old Spice High Endurance.  It is a blue stick that I rub on my underarms and taint every day to prevent sweating. Far from giving me a disease, it has probably prevented contraction of numerous sweat-based infections like spina bifida.  It smells good and smelling good is a key ingredient for attracting a sexual partner.  Alas, I do not know any of the other ingredients, which is why I remain a beautiful smelling virgin.


Jake: I have to disagree with you on your point that smelling good is a key ingredient of attracting a sexual partner.  I just read the book “Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex” by Mary Roach, and she quoted a study saying that women did not respond sexually (meaning their clitorises were not engorged with blood) to the scent of cologne.  Old Spice High Endurance has the active ingredient of Aluminum zirconium trichlorohydrex Gly 17%.  This ingredient is dangerous when absorbed into the skin.  It can lead to Alzheimer's, which is a disease that afflicted the great American heroes Ronald Reagan and Michael J. Fox.  We should pay homage to our fallen heroes by using natural deodorant and stop the spread of Alzheimer’s disease.

Glenn: You will never hear me say a foul word about Ronald Reagan or question his version of the Iran-Contra scandal, but I do not think the “Big Dipper” (as they called him) used natural deodorant.  I think he probably used whatever Nancy bought for him, since she did the grocery shopping at Safeway even as the First Lady.  But we shouldn’t let this debate, like so many others, get derailed by asking ourselves “What Would Reagan Do?”  I checked a website that said certain deodorants by Dove or Secret contain chemicals that could be hazardous.  You know the most hazardous chemical of all?  Mercury, which is in vaccines, which cause autism.  If I had received the sweating vaccine when I was 11 maybe I wouldn’t be a virgin now and maybe I wouldn’t have to use Old Spice High Endurance to “endure” the pain of being alone.


Jake: Of course Ronald Reagan never used natural deodorant.  He was a real man, unlike me.  Though, if he had he would be alive today, calling Obama racial slurs and joining in on many of the school shootings that the GOP organizes as a protest against gun control.  If you would just switch to a natural deodorant, you might be able to attract a same-sex sexual partner.  The pheromones that are masked by your Old Spice High Endurance deodorant are what makes the boys go crazy.  I want nothing more than for you to feel the pleasures of the flesh, but it just isn’t going to happen as long as you keep using non-green deodorant.  And no amount of “High Endurance” deodorant is going to cover up the smell of your flatulence that you get from eating raw veggies and hummus for lunch every day.


Glenn:  Now that I have been sufficiently humiliated by my opponent revealing all my greatest flaws, it is time to end this debate harshly: using natural deodorant is a complete waste of time and money. Anyone who uses it should be forced to watch the trailer for the new Die Hard movie 30 times in a row - a fate I consider much worse than death. The "compounds" in natural D do not stop you from sweating though they will prevent you from being taken seriously at your low skill, high wage job. When organizations were foolish enough to entrust me with management capabilities I always fired the sweatiest person on day one to send a message: either use real deordant or sweat in the fiery pits of hell aka the unemployment line.