Debate: Gun Control

By Jake and Glenn

Recently, some deranged individual, completely disconnected from our society and not at all influenced by it, decided to take justice into his own hands against Sandy Hook Elementary School.  He killed 27 people, including 20 children.  While the whole world tries to piece together the details (like what music, video games and movies caused him to do this), we are perpetually told that this is not the time to talk about gun control.  Are they right?  Does an act of perverse gun violence make it the right time , should we wait until the next malicious act of gun violence, or is there some sort of ideal “in between” period?

Jake:  Do we even care about gun control anymore?  The Sandy Hook school shooting seems like it happened a year ago and I care much more about Justin Bieber smoking pot at this point in time.  Maybe we can have marijuana control instead of gun control.  Let’s keep our pop stars safe.  Let’s face it, like smoking, guns are pretty cool.  You can use them to shoot people like Osama bin Laden and Trayvon Martin.  Real villains.  Maybe on occasion a “good guy” takes a fatal bullet, but isn’t it worth the “collateral damage” to keep our streets safe from terrorist attacks and Skittles?  Let’s get back to the war on drugs!  If we wanted to have a war on guns what would we use to fight it?  Karate?  You need guns for a war!


Glenn: The only good thing a gun has ever been used for is when Amy Fisher shot Joey Buttafuoco’s wife in the face.  In the light of these repeated mass shootings (and all of the other accidental/purposeful gun deaths the Jewish media refuses to cover) it is time to consider some sensible gun regulation.  For example, I think it should be illegal for someone to use any sort of gun to kill a human beings and animals, but legal to kill sentient robotic creatures.  When we get to the point that cyborgs exist in our society the current Congress can decide their fate.  Also hall monitors, class presidents, et cetera should not be armed in schools.  I was almost senior class president and if I had been armed as the “defender” of my classmates it’s more likely I would have ended up shooting all the girls who emasculated me.  

Jake: The second amendment of the United States Constitution says that we can “totally shoot people if we want.”  Why do you want to crumple up the Bill of Rights and throw it in the trash next to the missing votes from said high school presidential election, that would have seen your election?  Your antisemitism is nothing more than a plea to conservatives, and I find it sickening.  Not the prejudice, but the pandering.  You will never sway a conservative when it comes to armed murder.  They may be “pro-life” when it comes to goo gestating inside of a harlot’s uterus, but they are “pro-murder” when it comes to the doctors that suck out that glop or a young boy who wants nothing more than  to “taste the rainbow.”  To quote a famous song: “Gun are cool/You should always take them to school/Shoot the girls that you adore/And the jocks that you abhor.”  That song--”Imagine” by John Lennon.


Glenn: I think you might be confusing John Lennon with TI or another rapper who speaks of violence in a congratulatory manner.  The true John Lennon quote to paraphrase is “Death is what happens because someone else made gun plans.”  Lennon himself was killed by gun violence and right after he was President Reagan declared authoritatively, like my opponent does today, “now is not the time for gun control!”  It took Reagan being assassinated by Jodie Foster’s boyfriend, and Vice President Bush, and the rest of the cabinet before President-elect Oliver North was willing to sign into law the Brady Handgun Violence Prevention Act.  Now is the time to act!  We cannot let President Obama’s blood-ridden body, slumped over an electric car powered by bankrupt failed green battery company A123, be the smoking gun.  

Jake:  If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.  Then what are we going to do?  Arrest everybody with a gun?  That seems like some sort of bizarro universe Quinn Mallory and Rembrandt would slide into in the later seasons of “Sliders.”  And much like that episode, this real-life scenario would end with millions of conservatives racing toward a closing wormhole to leave this nightmarish landscape you dreamed up behind.  This country was built on guns.  We used them to shoot people we didn’t like, whether they be the indigenous people, the British, or people trying to enjoy a film.  My house is built out of guns.  If you outlaw guns I will be homeless and will have to rebuild my house out of knives or Super Soaker 50s.  You’re damning me to this life and I hate you for it.


Glenn:  If murders are outlawed, only murderers will be in prison.  If public intoxication is outlawed, people will stay inside their homes abusing their families.  If you ban guns, then we’ll stop killing each other.  We’ve heard all of these platitudes before but only the last one is worth staking our entire political process on.  The National Men’s Rights Rifle Association is the single worst advocacy group in the United States.  They say now, and always, is the wrong time to talk about gun control.  They oppose all restrictions and dress like someone held a gun to their head and made them shop the sale rack at Ross or Gadzook’s in the mall.  These are people I would not want fashion advice from, let alone public safety standards.  They and my opponent us want us all to develop a urgent, passionate affair with guns - not like what you see in the movie 9 ½ weeks.  But once you have all of these guns around you realize there’s no good use for them.  So you think about killing people.  And that’s where this debate ends and we all go outside, armed, ready to “defend ourselves” from a bunch of other people ready to “defend themselves.”