What We're Thankful For

By OYIT Staff

Every four years, in the same month as the presidential election, we celebrate the genocide of the people indigenous to the United States of America by attempting a genocide on Turkeys and yams.  We call this holiday “Thanksgiving,” and you are supposed to keep all of the things you are thankful for in your thoughts.  In keeping with this tradition, the writing staff of One Year in Texas attempts to list the very few things they have left to be thankful for.

Bub

I am thankful for small manifestations of the absurd in everyday life.  Here are a couple from the tiny town I live in - A 2nd story entrance door without stairs:

And an air conditioning unit in a decrepit, abandoned, art deco gas station with a smiley face dented into it:

Glenn

Spirit Airlines - by far the worst airline to ever exist, including the short-lived Air Qaeda.  But they allow you to fly cheaply as long as you don’t have any luggage, legs or need to use the bathroom.

The Dirty Projectors - released the best album of 2012, a little weird but very listenable.  Will not scare your Midwestern parents but will help you get your crush into bed.

Jake

Twitter - A place on the internet to make jokes about cum and 9/11.

RT Ryback - the WWE wrestler who is so strong he can lift people up and walk around with them.

Sarah

Vodka - It literally goes with everything and is especially useful during the holidays.

Atkins Diet - allows us to lose weight and live forever.

Ryan

Wilhelm Reich's theory (FACT) of Orgone Energy - I've converted my entire apartment building into a large orgone accumulator and set up cloudbusters outside the building. My landlords don't like this, not to mention the neighbors I've violently forced out, but being way overbuilt during the Cold War (a psyops scam if you ask me), the building itself is basically impenetrable. My orgastic potency is through the roof and if the National Guard breaks in like they're threatening, their bullets will probably just bounce off my orgone aura.

My custom designed "GF Body Pillow" - After doing a lot (a LOT!) of talking about my large anime body pillow collection, my lady friend finally decided that she wanted me to put up or shut up and take this "thing" we're doing to a whole new level. Together, we designed custom body pillows that resemble each other to use when we're apart, due to work travels, orgone energy conventions, church lock-ins, Risk board game tournaments, etc. This really brought us closer together in a new form of intimacy. While it was kind of tough to let my anime body pillow collection go to the Goodwill, where they'll hopefully find a good home with some other dedicated otaku, none of them had the bells and whistles we designed into ours - like the intimate whip-it dispenser in mine, or the vibrating micronub in hers. This was a really great experience for us that I'm happy to share with my closest friends across the whole internet.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!