Sincerely Sarah

By Sarah

Sarah,

What is your favorite Christmas movie? Mine is “Die Hard.”

-Christmas Carl

Dear Christmas Carl,

Thank you so, so much for asking. There are many Christmas movies out there, and the ones you pick to watch each holiday season say a lot about who you are as a person. For instance, someone who chooses "Die Hard" as their favorite Christmas movie must get off on adrenaline, distrust Germans, and associate holidays with intense conflict and family drama. But honestly, who doesn't?

That being said, I'd have to go with "Rudolph, the Red Nosed Reindeer", an animated film from 1964. Why? Because in today's society everyone is CONFORMING to SOCIAL NORMS. As a society we ostracize the bizarre, the ugly! Let us embrace these things. Rudolph teaches (brainwashes) us as YOUTH that it is OKAY to be different (as long as you help the PATRIARCH acheive HIS goals!!!!!!!!) Find strength in numbers with those like YOU! Those creatures (ELVES, WOMEN) who feel too individualistic for the modern world. BUT LOOK OUT. Because you'll always run into an abominable monster (OLD WHITE MEN) trying to destroy you (YOUR DREAMS). Challenge the "champions" of the reindeer "games" with your SLY GIFTS and you SHALL NOT be treated ill again!!! In fact, you will be rewarded with RESPONSIBILITY for the CHILDREN of the WORLD.

I also like "A Christmas Story".

Happy Holidays,

Sarah

sarah,

i am a female, let’s get that out of the way. i have an ex boyfriend who i am trying to “snag” again, so to speak. do you have ANY suggestions for how to do this? i’ve been trying to manipulate him into letting me back into his life for a while and that’s moderately effective but we aren’t officially back yet. help me help myself help him fall back in love with me.

tessa

Dear Tessa,

Awesome goals. Men are so easily manipulated, your ex will never see this coming. You should have him back by the end of the week after reading these simple steps:

1. Call him a lot. Guys are great communicators, and showing him that you are ready and willing to talk at him constantly will go a long way, especially as you lure him back into your tightly-fisted grasp.

2. Guys love games. Not like sports. Like, mind games. Even if you remember him saying he was busy, pretend to forget and show up at his place anyways. He'll be confused but eager to solve this awesome riddle.

3. Also show up at his work a lot.

4. Post all the pictures you have (access to) of the two of you from your dating past on Facebook and tag him. He'll appreciate this.

5. Tell people you are back together. Have you ever read "The Secret"? If you just wish for something, it comes true like a fairy godmother! If you tell people you're back together it will happen. It will also be awesome when they ask him about it. He might start to think that you never even broke up!

6. Call him more. Make some of the calls inaudable because of how hard you're crying.

7. Guys LOVE food. Just.. do something with that.

8. Threats.

9. HJs.

10. Talk a lot about how chill you are.

Best of luck!

XXX,

Sarah

Hey Sarah,

I have a quick Facebook question for you. How many status updates per day is “too many?” I have important links and yes sometimes emotions that I want to share with my friends list but I don’t want people to start hiding me from their stupid fucking newsfeeds.

Love,
Your biggest Facebook fan

Dear Biggest Facebook Fan,

First of all, THANK YOU! So happy to be talking to a fan.

Second of all, this is a great question. More people need to be asking it. The short answer to your question is: 3.

The long answer to your question is: 3. 

Unless something terrible has happened and Facebook is your only means of communication, 3 is your limit. 

Also, do not use all 3 posts for extreme emotional, spur-of-the-moment, if-I-don't-post-this-people-won't-know-my-agony posts. Not necessary. Feel free to type out a post, wait 5 minutes, then come back to it to see if it is still relevant and necessary to share. 

Newsfeed is treacherous,

Sarah