Debate: Motorcycles

By Jake and Glenn

Motorcyles are the most popular mode of transportation for closeted homosexuals and conservative dads.  What makes them so popular and conversely so dangerous?  Just ask Evel Kinevel, he died driving his motorcycle into building 7 of the World Trade Center.  This week Jake and Glenn, famously pictured below, debate motorcycles while riding motorcycles on famous Route 66 highway in United States of America.

Jake:  If a car is a horseless buggy, then a motorcycle is a horseless horse.  Even the concept of a motorcycle is a ludicrous.  A bicycle isn’t good enough for a motorcyclist, a car isn’t good enough, an airplane, hang glider and parachute/fan backpack combo aren’t good enough.  The only thing good enough for a motorcyclist is the “steel horse,” as Jon Bon Jovi referred to it.  Bikers are elitist scum.  They are like your friend who only listens to political punk and doesn’t own a TV, except they are racists and homophobic.  Cyclists are world class trash and must be stopped at any cost.  “Start seeing motorcycles”?  No, start ignoring them.


Glenn: I have not seen such levels of vitriol released against an innocent group of people since the recent protests by some Muslims against the United States of America.  Clearly my esteemed opponent, for all the time he spent playing Excite Bike for NES in the late 80s has never spent time on a real motorcycle.  I have and I am here to say they are AWESOME.  When I got my first motorcycle at age 16, everyone told me it was dangerous but what they didn’t tell me was how fun it would be.  I used to pull into my parking spot in the lot in front of my high school with the wind blowing through my hair and my Stone Cold Steve Austin decal on the back of my bike.  Girls couldn’t get enough of it then and the exact same girls (now women) can’t get enough of it now.  

Jake: Motorcycles maybe a good way to get girls, but it’s not the type of girls you can bring home to mother.  Being the “momma’s boy” that I am, this makes this point moot.  The kind of women that I want to attract have glasses, tattoos and all of Dashboard Confessional’s albums on vinyl.  Motorcycles are fine within the virtual space of video games-- as are aliens, bartering and running over pedestrians.  Once you bring any of those things into reality, then the problems start multiplying like a wet t-shirt contest for gremlins.  How many people do you know that have been seriously injured or killed in motorcycle accidents?  For me it’s 37.  Two of my brothers can no longer walk because they were racing motorcycles across the desert and collided with cacti.  My wife’s grandmother died in a motorcycle accident just last week.  Motorcycles aren’t safe and they certainly aren’t kosher.


Glenn:  Would motorcycles be safer if, like literal “hogs,” their throats were slit and trachea/esophagus ripped out by blessed Jews?  Of course!  But cars are also dangerous and are the #1 killer of people aged 3-55.  That is a statistic I learned in my mandatory drivers education class the state of Florida is forcing me to take after committing a moving violation in a car.  I never would have been caught by the police if I made that same violation in a motorcycle.  They’re fucking fast and you can drive down alleys to escape police cars, angry tea party protestors or whoever might be chasing you in a normal sized automobile.  The most famous movie of my generation, Easy Rider, features motorcycles heavily.  I admit this probably has something to do with my love of hogs (and Steppenwolf).  By the same token though doesn’t your affinity for Cars 2 bias you in favor of the four wheeled killer?

Jake:  My love for “Cars 2,” and to a lesser extent “Cars,” has nothing to do with my burning hatred for motorcycles.  My favorite movie of all time, “Wild Hogs,” is about motorcycles.  It is really funny!  Nothing is funnier or more vile than a motorcycle.  My favorite professional wrestlers rode motorcycles to the ring (The Road Warriors managed by Paul Ellering and Rocco and the Undertaker).  My two most hated wrestlers drove a car to the ring (Greg Valentine and The Honky Tonk Man).  Motorcycles are more dangerous than cars because they lack protection.  Furthermore, you cannot sleep inside of a motorcycle if you have a run of bad luck.  Imagine that you lost your house and you just found out that you are suffering from diabetes.  Where are you going to sleep?  What are you going to do to keep your insulin levels sustained?  These are the questions that must be answered when one owns a motorcycle.  Thank you.


Glenn:  If you have diabetes you should not be on a motorcycle and further should probably not be outside of your home.  It is simply too dangerous.  No one who owns a motorcycle has ever become homeless and forced to sleep in his/her car.  Maybe that’s because these bikes are a vanity purchase for aging emo dads or because owning one shows that you are very cautious with your money and only make wise investments.  Whatever the reason you ride motorcycles, you are awesome for doing it.  When I left my first wife and children, I got on my hog, revved the engine and drove away knowing I would never be trapped again.  Bikes are the only way men can truly be free.  It’s either ride a bike or kill your whole family and put Bibles next to their bodies.  Your choice.