Untertainment Weakly (7-20-12)

By Jake

Ben Folds Five announced their first album in 13 years.  Should have waited another 13.

Aaron Sorkin has fired nearly every staff writer on “The Newsroom.”

They are rebooting “Jumanji.”

Fred Willard got caught cranking it in a porno theater.  Did you even know that porno theaters still existed and you’re still not allowed to jack it in there?

There’s a sequel of “Finding Nemo” in the fucking pipes.

Jennifer Lopez is leaving “American Idol.”

Charlie Sheen might become a judge on “American Idol.”

The Rock might be the comic character Lobo in a movie.

Guillermo del Toro wants to make “Hellboy 3.”

Joel McHale has joined “Sons of Anarchy.”

Some dumb-dumb shot a bunch of people waiting in line for the midnight showing of “The Dark Knight Rises.”

Matthew Perry Watch

There is no Matthew Perry news this week, sadly.  Matty P is probably just chilling on the beach with his special lady, drinking a Fresca our of a hollowed out pineapple.  If I was Matt P, that’s what I would be doing.  I urge everybody to watch the classic Matthew Perry film “Fools Rush In” this week.

Movies Out This Weekend

The Dark Knight Rises - The movie people are dying to see.  Everybody is going to see this, I think.  I’m going as soon as Kaleena gets off of work.  It’s Batman, bitch.  Anybody who doesn’t love Batman is a real piece of shit.

Movies I Watched This Week

Howard the Duck 5/10 - Terrible, but moves so past you can’t dwell on anything too bad for more than a second.

D.C. Cab 4/10 - Really bad.

The Dark Knight 10/10

About Steve 5/10 - Terrible, but absolutely insane.  Sandy B. plays a real psychopath...for laughs.

Teen Spirit 5.5/10 - Really bad, but really great.  A popular girl dies while accepting her prom queen tiara and is sent back to Earth in corporeal form in order to help a hot (but unpopular nerd) become prom queen in order to gain her way into heaven.

Balls of Fury 4.5/10 - Not as bad as I expected, but certainly not good.

The Switch 3/10 - Could only watch 45 minutes of this movie.  Anniston and Bateman are surprisingly uncharming and the movie revolves around a sperm sample switch.

Song of the Week