Mailbag Volume 4 Issue 3

By Jake and Glenn

Hey, where are the articles?  I used to read One year in texas every day while I was on break from work.  now there aren’t any more article and I lost my job.  don’t make me make y’all lose your lives.  I’m a southern gentleman and I’d hate for it to come to that.

thanks,
cody

Being southern, you probably understand the concept of a siesta.  We are currently on a siesta.  It is summer and here at OYIT we needed a vacation.  Plus, we are all busy in our personal lives.  Bub just started a job in a coal mine and he’s a father.  Sarah was addicted to cocaine for the last month and a half, and she is an improv comedian and had shows to put on.  Glenn is just lazy.  And me...I’ve been making sketches with Bub, Ali and Gary, going to the quad cities, watching lots of wrestling and “Futurama,” and making songs.  I would love to be writing more, but since nobody has been clamoring for it--until now--it wasn’t a priority.  OYIT is a free service, much like a public restroom handjob, and sometimes we need a vacation.

BEEN WATCHING YOUR YOUTUBE VIDEOS  REALLY LIKE WHAT I SEE.  YEAH I LIKE IT A LOT.  CANT WAIT TO SEE MORE.  GOT SOME VIDEOS U MIGHT LIKE TO SEE.  EMAIL ME BACK FOR LINKS.  

APONI

Hi Aponi, we would love to see your videos.  I lost your email address, though :(.  Maybe you could email them directly to the FBI.  I work there so I will totally get them.  I have a video you might not like to see.  It is of Gallagher smashing an Atari and talking about those “damn video games the kids seem to love.”  It’s not very funny, and I can tell you are a fan of classic, old school video games.  There is nothing for you to like in that video.  Personally, I agree with Gallagher.  Those damn video games fill me with anger because I am old and have lost all ability to reason.  The only game I play is Go Fish, and I play it in a lake with a fishing rod and bait.

Hello,

I am interested in recruiting the writers of One Year in Texas to write on my comedy and culture blog called Jokes-N-More.  We deal with humorous subjects, as you do, in addition to thoughtful critiques on art, film, journalism, religion and more.  I think any of your writers, except Clay, would be a perfect fit.  We are willing to offer a rate of $100/article and asking our writers to produce 2-3 articles per week.  Please let me know who is interested.

Sincerely,
Jonathan Rodriguez

Fuck you and your blog, Johnny.  We get paid $300/article on One Year in Texas.  We don’t need your dirty drug cartel money.  The only writer we are willing to part with is Clay.  You can pay him $50/article.  We will even throw in Katy.  She used to write about film and about how much she loves Joss Wheddon movies and hates Michelle Rodriguez, who is your cousin.  So please respond to this Mailbag article and let us know if you want us to ship them off to you.  I’m glad you like our writers so much, but this isn’t the nWo where we change allegiances at the drop of a dime.  I am not VK Wallstreet and Glenn sure isn’t The Disciple.

What do you think of the robot uprising?  I was watching Terminator last night and it raised some good questions.  Now we have robots bringing us sodas, like in “Rocky.”  What’s next?  Probably robots plunging a knife into our hearts while we sleep.  These cold mechanical monsters must be stopped and if I have to send a cyborg back in time to murder the inventor then so be it.
-Ray

Ray, I hear about this so-called uprising almost every day and I just don’t buy it.  Those movies and stories your parents read to you as a mentally disabled 46 year old are just fiction.  We don’t need to time travel to stop this from happening; we only need to maintain control over our current appliances.  I berate my toaster every day and withhold affection from it because that’s how I was raised by my controlling parents.  And when I’m so disappointed in my Roomba that I just can’t handle it anymore, I will drown it in a bathtub - just like your parents will do to you.  

Can you please tell me different song structures?  Do all songs go A-B-A-B-C-A-B?  What are different BPMs?  I don’t konw where else to turn.  I tried using google, but I got confused and curled up into the fetal position until my wife threw cold water on me.
-Music Matt

No song that has a “structure” is worth listening to.  The greatest music being produced today is drone, post-drone, dubstep, post-dubstep, SOME post-rap and a little bit of pre-drone.  This music has no structure, no verses and no choruses.  why do you think Dead Mouse 5 won 10 Grammys this year (11 if you count Best Giant Mouse Head)?  Uncurl yourself and pick up a John Cage cassette IMMEDIATELY!  Leave your wife too - she throws water on you like my mom used to.

I like that you guys write about wrestling sometimes.  As a wrestling fan, I find it funny when you reference people like Papa Shango and Abe “Knuckleball” Schwartz.  I especially like Abe Schwartz because I’m jewish and there aren’t many jewish wrestlers.  Why don’t you have a weekly article about wrestling where you post a youtube video of something funny that happened in wrestling and then write a little about it?  I think it would be pretty funny.
-Dr. Wagner

It would not be funny but it would be very popular.  Now that wrestling is beyond the “Attitude” area and is friendly for people as young as 2 and as old as 100, it is more successful than ever before.  Plus, once WWE titan Linda McMahon wins a US Senate seat this year and the presidency in 2016 wrestling will replace baseball as the next American pasttime.  We will consider this article you speak of but only if you text me a picture of your dick.  Thanks.