By Ryan and Glenn
In this special edition of Twittocalypse Now, Ryan attends Apple's Worldwide Developers Conference in San Jose, California and reports live via Twitter. Special appearance by Glenn.
STEVE JOBS IS TAKING THE STAGE AT #WWDC - MANY FEARED DEAD, SOUL REAPERS EVERYWHERE, TIM COOK CACKLING
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
VISCOUS BLACK GOO RUNS FROM PHIL SCHILLERS EYES AS THE ULTIMATE TRUTH OF THE UNIVERSE IS PROJECTED ONTO THE MELTING FACES OF THE CROWD #WWDC
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
THE #nextgenmacbookpro IS A LARGE MOBILE SENTIENT FLESHLIGHT THAT KILLS ALL IT TOUCHES VIA "PLEASURE INJECTIONS" THERE IS NO HOPE #WWDC
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
#nextgenmacbookpro IS SO THIN THAT A GROUP OF ROGUE LAPTOPS CAN NOW VIVISECT YOUR MISBEHAVING CHILDREN IN ANY APPLE STORE #WWDC
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
RT @rwoodsmall "Detached artificial non-intelligence talking over crowd who believe for-profit company cares about anything but money" #wwdc
— glenn (@glenn_ebooks) June 11, 2012
ALL DEVELOPERS AT #WWDC HAVE BEEN FORCED TO SIGN A "TRUTH AND HONOR" PLEDGE - THEY'RE NOW ALL SCIENTOLOGISTS, JUST AS STEVE JOBS PREDICTED
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
MULTIPLE DEVELOPERS AT #WWDC KEYNOTE EJECTED FOR NOT MASTURBATING FAST OR HARD ENOUGH AT THE REVOLUTIONARY MACHINES THAT WILL CHANGE WORLD
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
AUDIENCE LUSTS AFTER RETINA MACBOOK PRO AT #WWDC BECAUSE THEY ARE EMPTY HUMAN HUSKS. SARIN NERVE GAS IS BEING PUMPED IN AS I TYPE THIS.
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
FACETIME HD SHOWS TWITCHING, SCREAMING AUDIENCE AT #WWDC IN LAST THROES OF ECSTASY. MACBOOK SO QUIET THAT IT ACTUALLY REMOVES AMBIENT SOUND.
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
DESIGN GURU JONNY IVE DONS A TITANIUM FEDORA, REMOVES ONYX KATANA FROM SHEATH AT #WWDC. SCOTT FORSTALL OFFERS HIS NECK WITHOUT HESITATION.
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
NEW OS X MOUNTAIN LION VERSION WILL NOT BE AVAILABLE ON DISK/DIGITALLY - MIND DOWNLOAD ONLY, ALL THOUGHTS, IDEAS COPYRIGHT APPLE INC #WWDC
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
NEW ICLOUD FEATURE: YOU CAN NOW UPLOAD YOUR CHILDREN & SPOUSE'S GENETIC CODE TO ICLOUD IN CASE THAT THEY DIE UNEXPECTEDLY. ICLONE 2013 #WWDC
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
VOICE CONTROL FEATURES IN OS X MOUNTAIN LION ENSURE THAT WE NEVER, EVER SPEAK TO OTHER LIVING HUMAN BEINGS AGAIN. EVERYTHING IS SIRI. #WWDC
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
WOULD YOU LIKE TO READ A BOOK? UNPLUG FOR AWHILE? TOUGH SHIT, ASSHOLE. NOTIFICATIONS EVERYWHERE! OS X MOUNTAIN LION, COMING SOON. #WWDC
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
NEW SAFARI ROUTES ALL REQUESTS THROUGH NSA-RUN DATA CENTERS TO ENSURE MAXIMUM ONLINE SAFETY FOR USERS/ROGUE STATES EVERYWHERE. #WWDC
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
CLOSE UP PICTURE OF BEAUTIFUL NEW MACBOOK PRO SHOWS ABSOLUTELY SEAMLESS BACK: i.imgur.com/tahgt.jpg #MOUNTAINLION WILL KILL US ALL #WWDC
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
MULTIPLE LIVE MOUNTAIN LIONS RELEASED AT #WWDC KEYNOTE. VULTURES FLYING OVERHEAD IN AUDITORIUM WAITING TURN TO PICK OVER DEVELOPER CARCASSES
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
PHIL SCHILLER, TIM COOK, SCOTT FORSTALL, JONNY IVE PLAYINGRACING GAME ACROSS DEVICES AT #WWDC, SAY THERE IS NO TRUTH/MEANING LEFT IN WORLD
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
CANNIBAL CORPSE HAS TAKEN STAGE AT #WWDC, PLAYING A NEW SONG CALLED "RIPPING ENTRAILS FROM GAME CENTER" - OFFICIAL MOUNTAIN LION SOUNDTRACK
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
A HORN SOUNDS AT #WWDC, HEIMDALLR MATERIALIZES AND BRINGS FORTH WAVE UPON WAVE OF UNDEAD WARRIORS, HERALDING THE FINAL BATTLE OF RAGNAROK
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
TIM COOK SHOCKINGLY BREAKS NEW MACBOOK AIR IN TWO PIECES. TWO COMPLETE MACBOOK AIRS SPRING FROM SHATTERED REMAINS. WE ARE FUCKED. #WWDC
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
SCOTT FORISTALL IS DEVOURING MULTIPLE HTC, SAMSUNG AND MOTOROLA PHONES AT #WWDC. HE'S EYING A NOKIA WINDOWS PHONE AND PULLING DOWN HIS PANTS
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
SIRI IS REPORTING ON LIVE SPORTS SCORES IN #WWDC IOS 6 DEMO! YOU LIKE SPORTS! YOU'RE A MAN! YOU'RE A FUCKING MAN! YOU HAVE TO LIKE SPORTS!
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
SIRI SHOW ME A MAP OF EVERY ABORTION CLINIC IN AMERICA. SIRI PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO MAKE AN AMMONIA/FERTILIZER BOMB. FORSTALL'S LOST IT #WWDC
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
CORPSE OF STEVE JOBS BEHIND DRIVER SEAT OF MERCEDES ON PROJECTOR. SIRI IS DRIVING THE CAR. SIRI IS FUCKING DRIVING HIM AROUND. #WWDC
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
SIRI IS NOW ABLE TO TO SPEAK OVER FOUR THOUSAND LANGUAGES, INCLUDING ENOCHIAN. THESE ARE TRULY THE LAST DAYS OF HUMANITY. #WWDC
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
"SIRI, WHAT IS THE TRUE NAME OF YHWH?" COOK IS SCREAMING, BLOOD IS POURING OUT OF SCHILLER'S EARS. THEY WON'T LET ANYONE OUT! #WWDC
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
NEW IOS FACEBOOK INTEGRATION MAKES IT EASIER TO ALIENATE THE FAMILY WITH WHOM YOU ALREADY HAVE STRAINED RELATIONS. OPENTABLE! #WWDC
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
APPLE TO PURCHASE MAJORITY STAKE OF FACEBOOK FOR (ONLY) TWELVE BILLION US BITCOINS. FACEBOOK TO BE NAMED BIRTHDAY.APP, IOS EXCLUSIVE. #WWDC
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
PROTOTYPE IPAD FOUR DEVICE CATCHES ON FIRE AT #WWDC. SPRINKLERS ARE ON AT MOSCONE CENTER, BUT ARE FULL OF CHIA KOMBUCHA FOR SOME REASON?
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
TIM COOK HAS A GUN FOR SOME REASON AND IS SHOOTING REPORTERS INDISCRIMINATELY. "I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT." IT'S TRUE. YOU KNOW IT. #WWDC
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
PHOTO STREAM ON APPLE TV NOW CONTROLLABLE TO REMOVE EMBARRASSING PICS. COOK IS SAYING "SHOW MY RUDE GROSS BONER" OVER AND OVER. #WWDC
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
PASSES.APP FROM APPLE: PLEASE SHOW US YOUR PAPERS. WHAT IS YOUR NUMBER? PLEASE SHOW US YOUR TATTOO. WHERE IS YOUR LICENSE? SCHNELL! #WWDC
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
COOK'S SAYING "SIRI I AM HEAR TO JACK MY DICK" AND THERE ARE *HUNDREDS* OF PINS ON THE NEW IOS MAPS APPLICATION. TIM'S BEEN BUSY. #WWDC
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
Siri, my new safeword is "@rwoodsmall " #WWDC
— Clayton Shackelford (@more_jetpacks) June 11, 2012
FORSTALL IS TALKING AESTHETICS - NEW MAPS ARE "GORGEOUS," HELICOPTERS GIVE US "BEAUTIFUL" VIEWS. HE IS A HIDEOUS, GHOULISH WRAITH. #WWDC
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
LIVE MAPS VIEW ZOOMS IN ON A LIVE FEED. FORSTALL IS WATCHING HIMSELF IN THE PAST. PATENTED TECH PURCHASED FROM THE FUTURE APPLE INC. #WWDC
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
COOK JUST STEPPED IN SOMETHING ON STAGE - LOOKS LIKE A TURD. "WHO THE FUCK DID THIS?" FORSTALL'S GIGGLING, SCHILLER JUST PUKED. #WWDC
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
APPLE STOCK IS UP OVER 300% FROM THE MARKET'S OPEN THIS MORNING. COOK IS WHIPPING APPLE TVS AT THE AUDIENCE, SAYING "YOURE ALL DRONES" #WWDC
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
"ONE MORE THING." STEVE JOBS' HAUNTED VISAGE POPS UP ON THE NEW APPLE TV. "MY SOUL IS IN THIS TELEVISION. YOU ARE MINE." #WWDC
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
TIM COOK IS HANDING OUT LARGE BLACK HOODED ROBES TO EVERYONE ON STAGE. "YOU'RE FREE NOW." HE HAS A SWORD. SCHILLER HAS A SPEAR. #WWDC
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
JONNY IVE HAS A MACE THAT HE'S SWINGING MENACINGLY AND FORSTALL IS MOUNTING AN ARMORED HORSE. #WWDC
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
"TURN OUT THE LIGHTS, PLEASE." IT'S COOK'S VOICE… BUT DIFFERENT SOMEHOW. THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF SCREAMS. THE STREAM IS GOING DARK. #WWDC
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
EVERYTHING IS SILENT. THE VIDEO FEED IS A GRAINY GREY. THE FLICKERING OF A ROBE, A GLINT FROM A BLODDY RED SWORD THE ONLY MOVEMENT. #WWDC
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
I THINK WE CAN ALL SAY #WWDC IS ALREADY OFF TO A GREAT START. THANKS FOR TUNING IN. DO YOU HAVE A WEIRD METALLIC TASTE IN YOUR MOUTH TOO?
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
i sell nihilism and nihilism accessories
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
A Syrian dissident, gutshot and left to die bleeding in the street, breathes their last words: "No iPhone 5… all this… for nothing…"
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
RT @vladsavov Three most important words from Apple's WWDC keynote so far: 'made by slaves.'
— glenn (@glenn_ebooks) June 11, 2012
Steve Jobs takes off space jockey helmet, reveals Macintosh IIGS as the final, ultimate creation in computer phones
— glenn (@glenn_ebooks) June 11, 2012
Group of #WWDC attendees grab Chinese workers - throw them off top of Moscone Center.Quoted saying "We wanted to cut out the middle man."
— glenn (@glenn_ebooks) June 11, 2012
BREAKING: NEW CALENDAR ON IPHONE 5 ENDS ON JUNE 11, 2012 #WWDC
— glenn (@glenn_ebooks) June 11, 2012
just walked into Moscone Center for #WWDC: completely empty. No idea where the feed online is coming from - definitely not this dimension.
— glenn (@glenn_ebooks) June 11, 2012
a giant milk chocolate dildo melts seductively in a window sill on a really hot day
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come/When we have shuffled off this mortal coil/Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance out today on DVD
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 11, 2012
it's really not that hard to write a female character which is not dependent on romance or sex as long as you think of women as human beings
— Lana Polansky (@LanaMBP) June 11, 2012
just search popular bittorrent aggregators for unedited_consciousness_uploaded_complete_hd.rar - the archives are pretty big though
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 12, 2012
Hey fucker, don't blame me, I voted for Satan.
— ryan woodsmall (@rwoodsmall) June 12, 2012
The sarin nerve gas is pretty awesome.
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