Sincerely Sarah (5-1-12)

By Sarah

Hi Sarah,

My arm is stuck in a vending machine. I was trying to reach up and grab a Charleston Chew (bad idea, I know). What should I do? I can almost grab the Charleston Chew and it sounds really good (though not as good as when I first put my arm in), but my kids are at home without a babysitter. I should probably get back to them. Anyway, what do you think?

-Charleston Chewie

Dear Charleston Chewie,

I think you should have babysitter numbers on speed dial for just such an occasion. However, since you are stuck now, try lubricating your arm with saliva and jiggling the machine to wriggle your arm out of that PUSH slot. Aren’t those PUSH slots the worst? I feel like even when I don’t stick my arm stupidly up into the cavity of the machine that PUSH slot chomps down on my hand. Like, hello! I’m just trying to grab my Twizzlers that I PAID FOR!

Also, don’t get mad at the Charleston Chew because you got your arm stuck – they are really good candy bars. The vanilla ones, at least. My primary advice for you is to purchase a large case of Charleston Chews from Costco when you get unstuck (call 911 I guess???) so you can curb your cravings and make it up to your kids for abandoning them.

Vending machines are still a great invention,

Sarah

Sarah,

Who is your favorite dub step artist? What is your opinion on dub step?

-Skrillex

Dear Skrillex,

My favorite dub step artist is Lindsey Stirling. This is partly because hers was the first YouTube video I clicked on after I typed “dub step” into the search bar, and partly because she’s wandering around a frozen tundra playing the violin. And dancing. What? Exactly.

My opinion on dub step is that its very good for getting into trances. Its very trance-like. When I want to be entranced I listen to dub step for being in a trance. Dub step is so good for trances. Trances. I like dub step because I like winding down with a good trance-like state. I am in a trance right now. Trance. Dub step and trances are good. Dub step. Trances.

Huh?

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

I am watching a show where this guy is eating a cheese that has bugs crawling around in it. Are you watching that show too? What do I do about my pregnant hermaphrodite child?

-This Show Is Crazy Stu

Dear Stu,

I might be watching that show. Is it "Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations"? Bourdain travels all over and eats a lot of weird stuff. I watch that show a lot. Um, is it "Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern"? He eats even weirder stuff and would probably eat cheese with bugs on it because I’ve seen him eat bugs on skewers before. Is it Gordon Ramsay’s "Great Escape" show? He ate a beating cobra heart on that show so he might be who you are watching. I just started watching that show.

Is it "Iron Chef"? Maybe the secret ingredient is bug infested cheese??

Is it "Ren and Stimpy"? I feel like they would totally eat buggy cheese for fun on that show!! I watched that show when it was on Nickelodeon!!!! It was kind of scary and gross!!!!!

IS IT EVEN TV?! ARE YOU CERTAIN YOU ARE WATCHING TV AND NOT EATING CHEESE WITH BUGS CRAWLING AROUND IN IT YOURSELF?!

Just checking. As for your hermaphrodite child, just support the pregnancy. Life is so much better when you support your loved ones.

Food shows always make me hungry,

Sarah