A Joyous Day in Mudlick (A Hillbilly Jim Fan Fiction)

By Jake

Jim had spent the day wandering through the countryside looking for squirrels to shoot when he returned home to his Uncle Elmer waiting on the garbage-clad porch with a letter in his hand.  Jim looked at him with wonder.  Elmer spend most of his days inside trying to keep cool from the fierce Kentucky heat.

“Boy, you will never believe what this letter says.  It’s from Connecticut!” Elmer says, as if Connecticut was a far off land full of mystery.

“Uncle, tell me what the letter says,” Jim demanded.

“It is from Vince McMahon.  He wants you to come train with Hulk Hogan and become a wrestler!”

“Well, I’ll be!  I’m happier than a hog in mud.  The Hulkster...”  Jim had been a fan of professional wrestling since he was a child.  He had attended numerous exhibition matches at the local arena, but never thought of himself in the ring delivering clotheslines to the likes of King Kong Bundy or Big John Studd.

“You leave in a week, boy.  You better go tell your cousins Luke and Junior what’s going on.  They’re going to be excited and want to throw a going away hoe down.”

“A hoe down!  That sounds mighty pleasant.  I’ll go tell them right now, Uncle Elmer.”  Jim’s body was filled with electricity, his spirits were higher than that time he found the cracked toilet down by the creek a mile away from his house.  Elmer had put it in the middle of the yard for all to see, and it impressed many of their neighbors.

Upon hearing the news, Luke and Junior delivered many words of congratulations and hard slaps on the back to their cousin Jim.  They always expected Jim to do great things.  He could throw bales of hay faster and farther than anybody in all of Mudlick, and a person like that doesn’t waste their time around those parts.

Luke demanded Jim give a pop to the nose of Nikolai Volkoff because he hates communists.  “That red jerk has it coming to him,” Luke explained.

“Well, I will sure do my best.  If I get in the ring with that boy he won’t know what hit him.” Jim was already getting the talk down.

Throughout the week many of the residents of Mudlick approached Jim with well wishes and slaps on the back.  Jim felt like a real star already.  He knew that he was going to dominate the WWF with his brand of fighting and fun.  With Hulk Hogan as his trainer, he knew that he was going to be a big deal.

His last night in Mudlick was joyous, but bittersweet.  The hoedown that cousin Luke and cousin Junior through him was “rootin’ tootin’” to borrow a phrase from Yosemite Sam.  Jim promenaded and dosey doed with every female in Mudlick, including the lovely Virginia.  Jim had eyes for Virginia, as did nearly every man in Mudlick.

When the hoedown ended, Jim went home and packed his bags.  He couldn’t sleep.  All he could think about was punching King Kong Bundy in his face and dancing up a storm in the WWF ring.

The cock a doodle dooed to announce the rising of the sun and Jim jumped out of bed.  He did his chores and took a last walk by his favorite fishing hole.  When he arrived back at Uncle Elmer’s home, Elmer already had his jalopy read and packed.  Elmer drove Jim to the bus station in silence.  When they reached the station he wished Jim good luck and gave him a hug.

“Never forget where you came from, boy,” Elmer warned Jim.

Jim boarded the bus and looked out the window.  As Mudlick passed out of his sights, he turned his head inside the bus and set his sights on something bigger, the stiff competition of the WWF.