Debate: Katie Couric's new Talk Show "Katie"

By Jake and Ali


On June 6, 2011, ABC announced that Katie Couric would be developing a new talk show called “Katie.”   Will Katie be able to handle the cut-throat world of daytime talk shows or will she wither up and die like a salted slug?  In this debate we will pontificate on this subject.


Jake:  I have never seen anything featuring Katie Couric, with the exception of some real choice appearances on Jay Leno’s “The Tonight Show.”  I found her extremely charming during those appearances and cannot wait for her to take the reigns of her own talk show on September 10, 2012.  If she was a great guest on a talk show, you would have to assume that she would be an amazing host.  We all remember when she blindsided Sarah Palin with devastating questions such as “what newspapers do you read.”  We need a talk show host who will ask these types of hard-hitting questions to our favorite celebrities (in my case those would be: Kevin Sorbo, Gwyneth Paltrow, Kamala, Tilda Swinton and Papa Shango).  Wouldn’t you love to know what newspapers Kevin Sorbo reads?  He probably reads Variety, but what else is he reading?  What is his favorite novel?  America needs to know and only Katie C. will ask these types of questions that can ruin a career.

Ali:   Woah, Katie Couric should not be allowed on television anymore.  Overall, it’s terrible for America’s morale.  Who cares what newspapers people read, when most articles about this woman are found in magazines, bought by women who already have made her a household name, and have given up on spontaneity and substance within the neighborhood and their sex lives.  Some mid to late 40 somethin 50 somethin’s watch their celebrity peers age on television, and I wonder why not be up for a little change, folks. You know what I mean? How about retiring like a normal person, and let the following generation of journalism majors get a chance at being a talking head, covering stories such as, “Where is Katie Couric Now” or “Our Katie Couric, a Video-graphy of America’s most Fit and Beautiful Journalist’’...oh wait, maybe that’s more fitting for a People Magazine Special Edition insert.  Either way, I firmly believe guest talk show time slots should be reserved for Judge Judy, Murray,  and more Roseanne come-back shows.


Jake:  If you want to watch reruns of “Roseanne,” then maybe you should just pop in the second disc of your “Roseanne” season 2 DVD set.  Sure, it’s a great program, but comparing “Roseanne” to “Katie” is like comparing “Dougie Houser M.D.” to “Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman.”  At least we can both agree that Katie Couric is the most beautiful woman in America.  She has more sex appeal than James Dean’s rotten corpse and more hustle than Violent J of the Insane Clown Posse.  Katie C. puts herself out there and America cannot wait to see what is next for her.  The second her show debuts people will surely be calling for it to end just so they can see what she will do next.  Katie Couric is making $40 million for this new talk show venture, and if you ask me she is getting screwed.  She should be getting $100 million and given her own network to run.  I’d love to see “Cooking with Katie,” “Katie Couric’s Night Court” and “Katie Couric’s Wildlife Adventure and Sharkstravaganza.”  These programs would really put asses in seats, unlike modern-day programs like “Wild Boyz” and “Punk’d.”  Fuck those shows and long live queen Couric.


Ali:  Katie Couric is like eating peanut butter on crackers, semi-smooth transitions with a subtle osteoporosis crunch. I know I said she was beautiful earlier, but i was mainly referencing her defined calves.  Considering I also think most professional sports players get paid way too much for a game they may never partake in, the monetary gain of Katie C’s next career move is equally asinine. I will watch a show about K.C heading out into the wilderness in search for a rare bird, and then suddenly falling into quicksand exclaiming, “ But I only spent 399 Million dollars this year so farrrrrr...” More likely this new show will air in September of this year, and I will say “Well look who it is, tanned wrinkle bag Couric counting the top ten ways to butter bread.” I can hear you now, haters gonna hate, and to quote President Obama, “Yes We Can..”

Jake:  I would love to see ten ways to butter bread, because I have only been buttering my bread but two ways and they are just not working for me.  In 2010 during the Super Bowl, Katie Couric interviewed our positive president Barack Obama.  And like “The Monster Mash” was a graveyard smash, this interview was a ratings smash.  If Couric can get top notch guests like President Obama, Sarah Palin and Kevin Sorbo, then her daytime talk show surely will be a ratings juggernaut and she is a steal at $40 million.  TV is big business and Katie C is large and in charge in that medium.  I would love to see a program where Katie Couric spends her money and it would fit perfectly on her theoretical network.  God bless you, Katie Couric.  You are an American treasure.  That last sentence was directed at both Katie Couric and Ali.


Ali:  You are so right, Jake.  If Couric can get top notch guests, like all the guys from The Big Bang Theory, Tina Fey,  the writers for Bob’s Burgers, or even Jon Stewart, then her ratings will soar.  I can see her being very witty asking people if they have seen those skits on YouTube called, Lettuce Sandwich Goes to the Office, or Goodnite Lettuce Sandwich, which crack her little ass up all day! BTW! Did you hear she will also be involved in the upcoming obesity documentary, The Big Picture? I totally get it now, Katie Couric is a Hipster raging for the machine.  This excerpt from an online interview really give me hope when she says, “I am happy to have found a place in the digital world where I can cut through fads and trends.”  She’s already making fart jokes.  I really dig this new Couric.