Debate: Titanic 3D

By Jake & Bub

The most popular movie of all time, “Titanic,” is being rereleased to our nation’s multi-plexes in glorious 3-D.  Is James Cameron’s “Titanic 3-D” merely a cash-in on the latest theater gimmick or is it way to put the beloved film back on the silver screen for its admirers to enjoy?  This debate will take a deep look at “Titanic 3-D” and attempt to get to the bottom of the reasons behind the film’s rerelease.

Jake:  Everybody has seen “Titanic” in the cinema but nobody has seen it in more than two dimensions.  James Cameron was onto something when he released “Avatar,” the 3-D movie about blue aliens living in a computer.  Instead of making another movie, Cameron decided to hire some people to transfer “Titanic” into the third dimension.  His laziness is our reward, we can now relive the best theater experience of our youth in the futuristic vision of 3-D.  How many times have you been watching “Titanic” (out of the hundreds of times you have seen it) and wished you could see the depth of the iceberg, the realistic curves of Kate Winslets breasts, or the curvature of Leonardo DiCaprio’s million dollar smile?  For me, it is every time.  I have never been more excited about a mainstream motion picture event than “Titanic” in 3-D.  If I die during the screening, then I will have died doing what I love the most.


Bub:  The only thing you will die from during a screening of “Titanic 3D” is a suicide bombing by Somali militant group Al-Shabaab or because of your sexual deviancy disorder, auto-erotic asphyxiation.  Even Islamic terrorists are offended by how stupid an idea releasing Titanic in 3D is.  The Titanic was already in “3D” and that wound up killing hundreds of people.  I predict the newest incarnation of man’s feeble attempt to outshine the natural world by creating a Titanic in three dimensions will this time kill millions.  If not by crashing them into a giant iceberg and drowning them, then by poisoning them with dull pacing, and a class-based tale of fettered romance that no one in the modern classless world can relate to.

Jake:  The love between Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet is hard to relate to, this is not a point of contention.  It’s hard to relate to because none of us will ever feel a love that strong.  None of us will ever truly understand the lyrics crooned out by Celine Dion’s soulful voice.  Yet, that will not stop the tears from flowing.  It will not stop me from seeing this film thirteen times in the cinema and keeping the 3-D glasses each time.  James Cameron created a masterpiece when he made this motion picture, a timeless tale of love and a boat too big not to sink.  The class difference between the protagonists is even more appropriate in 2012 than it was in 1997.  Our economy is rockier than my neighbor’s deteriorating driveway.  And his driveway maintenance issues are due to the economy, as he was laid off from his job as senior gravel distributor for Gravel Inc.



Bub:  James Cameron is our generation’s Bernie Madoff, laughing in his submarine all the way down the Marianas Trenches as he buries your hard earned money at the bottom of the ocean in the biggest ponzi scheme since Charles Ponzi managed to burn down the City of Troy with a giant rocking horse.  I refuse to abet the toppling of world democracy by burying all of our money at the bottom of the sea - what purpose would that serve?  No serious presidential candidate endorses such a plan (outside of Ron Paul), and as a serious presidential candidate I cannot either.  I propose that bw invest more money into education and healthcare and guarantee universal health coverage and universal college education.  That is the only way we will be able to live in a society whose citizens don’t scuttle foolishly to the imax cinema every time someone adds another dimension to a lousy movie.  If you’re willing to go see “Titanic” in 3D you’re one step away from “True Lies 3D”, which is one step away from endorsing genocide.  By the time you get there will be no turning back.

Jake:  You are trying to make James Cameron come across as evil as the nefarious Asian motorcyclist Johnny Tran in the hit film “The Fast and the Furious,” when he is really as saintly as officer Brian O’Conner, the undercover cop working to bring down Dominic Toretto and his gang.  Much like “The Fast and the Furious,” “Titanic” is an award winning film (“Titanic” won 11 Academy Awards, including Best Picture, and “The Fast and the Furious” won an MTV Movie Award for Best On-screen Team).  Do these sound like the credentials of a lousy movie?  I think not.  Would a lousy movie has a score of 7.5 on the Internet Movie Database?  No, it would have a much lower score.  “Titanic” is the kind of movie you can sit around with your best girlfriends and a box of tissues and just let the tears flow.  Adding an extra dimension to a movie is a good thing.  As my pal Obus says, “The more dimensions the better!”


Bub:  Imagine you are an Aye Aye; a miserable hideous creature in Madagascar.  You are hungry and you climb up a tree to eat a piece of fruit.  You crack open a lychee and take a bite.  You realize your entire family has been murdered and you are being raped by a rabid flying-fox.  That's a lot worse than if you were a human who went to see "Titanic 3D".  But going to see "Titanic 3D" is still pretty bad.  You already cry enough, Jake.  You've been crying throughout this entire debate.  Pay me $15 instead and I'll throw a toy boat at your face to make you cry.  At least afterwards you will not have the shame of having made more of an effort to go see that ridiculous movie than you have to save children in Somalia from starving to death due to your implicit support for Al Shabaab and its illegal blockades.  You were too busy wanting to see Billy Zane in a handsome tuxedo to help.  “Titanic” is an abomination no matter how many dimensions it is in, and so is everyone that goes to see it.