Positive Snaps

By The Usual Gang of Idiots

The “snap” is a popular form of urban disrespect.  Youths line the street, yelling at each other about their mothers being fat, stupid, ugly, and good at performing fellatio.  Delivering a world class snap will shoot a roustabout from “whack” status straight to “dope.”  Yet, scholars have pontificated upon the negativity of snaps.  One Year in Texas is not a pessimistic site, and one needs to do little more than read my article “Adam Sandler’s Best Performances” to prove that point.  We bring you now a positive twist on snaps.

• Your computer is delightfully reminiscent of a time when we used 3.5” floppy disk drives.  I am envious of the time you have to contemplate our existence while you wait for Netscape Navigator to load.

• The ABC comedy “Work It” was prematurely canceled.  I laughed harder at the idea of a man being a woman that I ever thought possible - laughs so hard that I had a brain hemorrhage and died.  I would have gladly given my life so that “Work It’ could survive.

• My grandma’s porridge is so good, her condo is the FIRST place I visit when I’m home, not the second or third behind the house I personally grew up in or the local chain pharmacy.

• I’ve kissed more dogs than you have girls, but only by a couple, because it’s obvious how handsome you are, and I imagine the ladies line right up.  I should mention I’m a dog specialist at the local vet-clinic.

• Your shoes are so made by L.A. Gear that Kanye West’s song “All of the Lights” originally included a verse about how lit up your kicks were, but he omitted it before post production because he didn’t want his fans to think he was literally going to talk about every single light.

• The speed at which you choose to talk is so much faster than the Micro Machines asshole that you could convince a kid to buy a toy car that they couldn’t even see.

• Your decision to ban me from your Facebook page was wise and beyond my comprehension.  History will vindicate you and humiliate me even more than you rightly have done now.

• Your fetish porn site is an excellent source for spanking and fisting videos.  I visit it frequently and savage myself to it.  It is my homepage.