Sincerely Sarah (2-29-12)

By Sarah

Hi Sarah,

Several weeks ago my organization lost my paycheck.  I was frantic, needing more money for baby formula and my meth addiction!  Thankfully the HR person was able to cut me a new check on the spot and my children that weekend got strung out of their minds.  

Fast forward to this week when our organization’s accountant gave me that old, missing check from December along with my current one.  By the time I realized it, he had left and I had lost my ability to speak (like in the Keanu Reeves interrogation scene in The Matrix).  Should I give the check back?  Cash it and give it to charity?  Bury it in a time capulse?  Help!

Sincerely,

Frank Lee Frantic

Dear Frank Lee Frantic:

I saw the Matrix one time and did not see the sequels. Did Keanu destroy any more silverware in the second or third film? If at any point you lost your ability to speak, you may want to check your belly button to see if the organization's accountant implanted a repulsive robotic worm into your body. In my experience, accountants wear too much purple eye shadow and gossip a lot. I wouldn't be surprised if he or she "lost" your check just to make you sweat (literally - don't addicts sweat if they don't get their meth fix? Please let me know as I'm very curious about meth). 

Here is my advice regarding the missing check that has now landed in your paws: If you even have to ask me what to do with it, I know that you are A) not an honest person because you would've already given it back; B) not an evil person because you would've already deposited it; and C) not a good person because you would've already given it to someone much less needy and addicted to meth than yourself. My experience working with people and watching sci-fi films tells me that something is amiss and you should open a brand new bank account. The check in question shall be your first deposit. This will be the start of a new identity that you can - and will - need once your accountant and HR person turn on you and frame you for a conspiracy against all mankind. Begin building this new identity so you'll be ready to become a different person when they come for you. Invest in several wigs and one fake moustache. 

Best of luck and please let me know about the meth, 

Sarah

Good day Sarah,
I have a question for a friend...actually, it’s not really for a friend, rather an acquaintance.  Okay, I am not being truthful there either--it is a person I met one time and talked to for about fifteen minutes.  My question is, how do you feel about gambling?  This person I talked to for, okay okay, five minutes, told me that he had a lot of money riding on this boxing match that was on at the bar we were at.  Okay, it wasn’t a bar, it was a Buffalo Wild Wings...OKAY, it was Applebees.  Is it wrong to gamble that much money?  Okay, it wasn’t a person I met, or a  friend, or an acquaintance, it is me!  Is it fine for me to be gambling a large chunk of my earnings on boxing matches?

-Gambling Greg 

Dear Gambling Greg,

I had to read your letter three times because I couldn't figure out who was talking to whom for how long. My interest peaked at Buffalo Wild Wings because I like their boneless teriyaki tenders. Part of me wants a poster in my bedroom of their sauce spectrum. Have you ever tried their spiciest sauce? My cousin told me you can get first degree burns from it. 

Greg - hope I'm pronouncing that right - you seem like an impulsive guy. I advise you to keep gambling. The world needs impulsive people like you to help amateur boxers achieve their dreams. If and when you run out of your own earnings, you can begin participating in the boxing matches. You'll become a hot commodity because people love to see someone who has hit rock bottom fight their way to the top and win a championship. To break it down: gamble everything, hit bottom, fight back up, die untimely death, be worth more dead than when you were alive because your story will be sold to Pixar and turned into "Uppercut!" which will win the Oscar for Best Animated Feature. 

Congrats and please mention my name in your posthumous acceptance speech,

Sarah

 

Hello,
I have a real problem.  I have HIV.  The other day when I got my test results back I realized that I had probably contracted it from my grandma.  No, we didn’t have sex - gross!  We just shared a hypodermic needle once when we were both doing heroin.  My grandma still does heroin a lot with the old people in her neighborhood.  Should I go tell them so they don’t get AIDS?

HIV Perry

Dear HIV Perry,

Please stop being so selfish. This isn't about you. This is about a bunch of old people living out their final days in happiness and ecstasy. Obviously they are doing heroin because it makes them feel good. You know what doesn't feel good? Not being young. Not having all your teeth. Not seeing your grandkids because they are afraid of you giving them HIV. I got news for ya: Grandma probably gave you HIV on purpose so you'd hang out with her more! Which tells me SOMEONE has been selfishly ignoring Grandma. That's you, Perry.  

Look. If you tell everyone in the neighborhood that AIDS is flowing around, they'll probably just laugh at you. These elderly people have seen some tough times and YOU CAN'T SCARE THEM. Stop trying to get attention by announcing an AIDS outbreak. I've tried that before and people never respond the way you want them to. It's really frustrating. 

You only have HIV, by the way. Please don't cry wolf.

Now I'm frustrated,

Sarah