2012 Oscar Predictions

By Jake and Glenn

The Academy Awards come around every year like clockwork, and like clockwork it is very tedious and meticulous.  This year, the Academy of Motion Pictures and Science have once again nominated ten pictures for “Best Picture of the Year,” because there were just so many great films released in 2011.  The loss of Academy voters is your gain and also your loss, because there are so many films we have to write about.

The Artist
Jake says...This silent biopic about Prince (AKA: The Artist, The Artist Formerly Known as Prince, and that symbol) is the most pretentious film nominated this year.  Why would they make a film about a singer as a silent movie in the first place?  Why would they even make a silent movie?  Sound was invented in the 1920s!  I cannot see this movie winning, and if it does, I will never attend a live Billy Crystal show again.

Glenn says... Personally I prefer silent movies.  I think sound distracts you from the experience of getting a handjob while in junior high from your transgender date.  The Academy, however, has a long history of giving Best Picture awards to “soundies” and this means The Artist will not win.  

The Help
Jake says...The only thing I needed help with during this movie was not breaking out into spontaneous applause.  What a film!  Emma Stone radiates on the screen like 100 nuclear bombs going off simultaneously.  I told Glenn, moments before the nominations were announced, that if “The Help” didn’t receive one, I was going to fucking kill myself.  Thankfully, it received one!

Glenn says...  This was easily the least racist movie of 2011 - in fact it was actually against racism!  Movies about domestic servants and helping people usually do very well with Oscar voters.  The Beatles film “Help!” was nominated and won for Best Score in 1965, though it did not address the growing movement for civil rights.  Jim Carrey’s girlfriend Emma Stone shined in this film and surely will go on to play other Civil Rights icons like Rosa Parks and Ruby Dee.  Keep your eye on The Help and keep your eye on the help.

In Time
Jake says...If there was an Oscar for time-based puns, this movie would surely win.  I would say that it is a longshot to win the Best Picture award, though.  Don’t get me wrong, this film was great.  Justin Timberlake was transcendent as the man with time on his arm and Amanda Seyfried was beautiful as the woman with time on her arm.  I’m glad they both were nominated.  Great film, but it won’t win.

Glenn says... My dream scenario involves Academy Awards for puns of various types, but certainly if there was a category for time-based puns, In Time would run out the clock on all other contenders.  In this movie everyone is age 27, including mother/son, grandfather/granddaughter, etc.  Although no overt incest is show, it is implied.  This kind of reality would allow gerontophilia to flourish.  These controversial issues alone disqualify In Time from being a true Oscar contender, which is a shame based its class war message is exactly what the proletariat needs to hear right now.

The Descendants
Jake says...When I first lined up to see this film at my local multiplex, I thought I was watching a biopic of my favorite coffee-fueled punk band.  To my surprise, this was not a movie about the band The Descendants, but rather a movie starring George Clooney as a man with a wife in a coma.  I like comas as next as the next man, but even that was not enough to overcome my disappointment.  Movies named after punk bands never win Oscars, which is why “Contagion” changed its name from “The Germs,” although it was not even nominated!

Glenn says... This movie was wonderful and on a personal level forced me to acknowledge my Hawaiian ancestors.  Clooney has “laid” over 50% of the voting Academy members, but having sex with someone is not the only way to win his/her support.  For the Descendants to walk away with the Best Picture award, the War Horse will have to trample a few members of the general public and one of the cars will have to accidentally drive into the literal tree of life.  

Moneyball
Jake says...A movie about baseball statistics?  Well, you might be able to add “1 Best Picture Oscar” to the back of this movie’s trading card.  

Glenn says...This movie is another based on the wonderful books of Michael Lewis.  They take complex issues and put them into simple narrative stories so that the people of Middle America and those of us with IQ belows 65/serious brain damage can understand things like the wisdom of credit swap defaults or signing no-name pitchers who statistically are more likely to give up fewer ground rule doubles.  This film will not win because no one likes baseball in Hollywood.

War Horse
Jake says...Movies about horses generally do not get nominated for Academy Awards.  Did “Racing Stripes” get nominated?  No!  What about “Hot to Trot”?  Sadly, it was robbed.  So finally a movie about horses is nominated, and it also had to be about war.  War movies always get nominated.  So when they remake “Racing Stripes,” they better make sure the horse gets drafted to fight the Vietnam war.

Glenn says... Six months ago I would have said this movie was DOA.  But in the past few weeks the horse_ebooks guerrilla campaign on Twitter has resurrected “War Horse” as a possible contender.  This animated film is about a horse (voiced by the horse who played Black Beauty) who quits an unlikely career in the NFL to fight with the Army in Afghanistan before being killed by fellow soldiers who didn’t want to serve with a horse.  Given the similarities to the Pat Tillman Story - and that movie’s failure to win Best Documentary, I don’t think “War Horse” will take this one either.

Cars 2
Jake says...*beep beep* Get out of the way for this year’s best animated picture!  Pixar’s “Cars 2” has become known as the most essential sequel in film history.  Watch the cars race, watch the cars watch cars race, watch the cars have mouths and talk.  If you did not enjoy the original “Cars” film, you probably would still enjoy this one.  That is how good it is.  “Cars 2” is the “Terminator 2” of animated movies about vehicles.

Glenn says... When I heard they were remaking Cars 2 I shrieked in horror, not unlike my reaction to other famous sequels: Beneath the Planet of the Apes, CHUD II: Bud the Chud and Cars 2.  And just as I suspected, this sequel paled into the comparison to the original.  It is nominated because the Academy wants more children to stay up until 11:30pm EST watching the Oscar telecast until the Best Picture award is given.  But I think this is foolish because it degrades the category and kids will already being staying up late to watch Billy Crystal speak jokes.

The Tree of Life
Jake says...When I read that Hollywood was going to make a movie about the trees from “The Lord of the Rings” series, I was in.  Those trees were amazing.  For years, people said you couldn’t make a movie about trees.  It is why the Julia “Butterfly” Hill biopic has had its production delayed for so long.  Hopefully, with this film getting some recognition more movies about trees will be developed.

Glenn says... This was, by far, the most controversial nomination of a film for Best Picture since Salò (120 Days of Sodom).  Though Tree of Life also had extended scenes that made people quite uncomfortable, it had just as many thoughtful, small father-son moments between Brad Pitt and any of those great child actors that children around the country loved “how realistic” it was.  No controversial film has ever won an Academy Award though, so a message to Terrance Malick: put less dinosaurs in your next film unless it’s the prequel to the reboot of Jurassic Park or Dinosaur Train IV.  

Jack & Jill
Jake says...Everybody knows the famous fairy tale about Jack and Jill going up a hill, but did you know that it was also a movie released in 2011?  Adam Sandler stars as both Jack and Jill and received both a best actor and a best actress nomination.  Now, I don’t think he will win for best actor, but he is a shoe-in for best actress.  This movie is a heartfelt and touching story of twins, much like the film “Twins,” but not as pretentious.  Seeing as “Twins” picked up the Best Picture award, I could really see “Jack & Jill” picking one up too.  The Academy has twin fever!

Glenn says...No one is more surprised at this nomination than Sandler himself.  Internet rumors said he found out Jack + Jill was nominated for best picture while traveling to visit the Pope in Vatican City.  This was before the huge American controversy about whether or not religions institutions can kill women who take birth control during a waxing moon.  It is an issue of religious liberty that I support, but I cannot support the nomination of a secular movie like Jack + Jill.  Hopefully the Academy, an increasingly fundamentalist Mormon group, will not either.

Hugo
Jake says...This Hugo Boss biopic has a good chance at winning.  I read that Hugo Boss sent some really great baskets to all of the members of the Academy.  Nothing wrong with adding a little grease to the wheel, right?  Hey, if Hugo Boss would send me some cargo pants or whatever they make, then I’d pick this as my favorite, too.

Glenn says... This film was directed by Martin Scorsese, the single greatest male director to ever live.  (The best director of either gender is Sophia Coppola.)  This puts Hugo at an advantage and I have to say that without a doubt it will win the award for Best Picture.

Our Picks
Jake says...”Jack & Jill” is going to sweep the Oscars this year, I guarantee it.  No movie was funnier or had as much heart as this Adam Sandler twin vehicle.  “The Help” could have used some help from Mr. Sandler’s expert comedic voice.  I heard they did not even ask him to do a pass at the script!  Although, I do find that hard to believe.  “Cars 2” was a popular movie, but I do not think the academy can relate to cars, most of them have suspended licenses due to DUIs.  

Glenn says... I pick The Help.  It’s the only film that had no controversy surrounding it.  The rich white bourgeois scum of Hollywood will feel good about their blacklists, anti-semitism, lynchings, etc. if they award Best Picture to a film that is so ardently pro-civil rights and pro-equality.  Plus Emma Stone is the next big thing!  Bon Iver wrote an album to her in 2007 and she has peaked in 2011-2012.  She is starring in the next Cars movie voicing a feminine car.  All of these things combine to make Help your guaranteed Best Picture winner.  Tune into the Grammys February 12th at sundown to see!

2009 Oscar Picks
2010 Oscar Picks
2011 Oscar Picks