Mailbag Vol 4 Issue 2

By Glenn and Jake

I come to rely on OYIT for so much. I'm afraid I again must ask to much of you. Will you please tell me how to feel about the McRib. Is there anything new to consider about this mysteriously boneless gypsy of foods. Thank you OYIT, you're my only hope.

-Joe via Facebook

You should rely on OYIT for even more, including daily instructions on who to kill and who to love.  The McRib is a very important sandwich to people who enjoy McDonald’s food and their secondary predators.  Most of the OYIT staff fit in the latter description so we’re very excited for the sandwich’s return.  This brings our prey out into the open and allows us to hang around McDonald’s and attack people who have just finished eating the McRib.  As a primary predator, you should know that the McRib contains chemicals that slow down certain reflexes and makes you easier to kill and eat.

My name is Obus and I'm a being from another dimension.  I have been mentioned on your website and I would like to ask why.  Also why are you using a Blogger based platform for your website?  In my dimension we all use geocities.  Thank you.

-Obus O

Obus, you and I know each other.  We have talked in real life several times and I consider you a friend.  I would friend you on Facebook even, but in your dimension Friendster is more popular and you refuse to make the switch over to Facebook.  I referred to you in a debate and then you started commenting.  I think this question is sort of out of line, really.  Why do you comment if you don’t want us talking about you?  Is that how things work in your dimension?  You don’t see John Candy’s Ghost sending us emails asking why he comments on OYIT.  He already knows!

Hey guys, I’m stuck in the Borderlands for the Xbox 360.  I can’t figure out how to get into Thor Digtown.  I cannot beat the game if I’m stuck, right?  Could you please explain to me how to get into this place and tell me how far I am from the end of the game?  I don’t know where else to turn.

Offhand, the Borderlands sub-forum on Storm Front might seem like a better place.  I do not know exactly the challenge you speak of, but I can relate it to a situation in my own life.  I was navigating the Internet recently looking for an Interpol live concert bootleg.  I went to all of my favorite music sites: Pitchfork, AllMusic, Yahoo! Music.  None of them had it.  So I went into hotbot.com and searched “Interpol concert bootleg where is it I can’t find it!!! please help me I think the show is from Sweden” and it gave me a direct link where I could download it.  The point of this story is that sometimes more is better.  Use your hammer to break down the wall of Thor Digtown.  

Greetings fuckers.  You better stop mentioning me on your website!  I am not afraid to sue you or to hunt you down and cut your scrotums off.

- Heather Joy, former OYIT writer

We never mention you on this website.  Glenn might mention you in his dream journal, but I have not seen your name typed across these pages in years.  You need to get a grip on reality and website based writings.  You will not cut my scrotum off because I had it torn off by shrapnel when I was in Afghanistan.

DEAR TEXAS, I RECENTLY PULLED MY GROIN WHILE I WAS PLAYING HOPSKOTCH ON A PLAYGROUND NEAR A NUCLEAR POWER PLANT.  IT HURTS A LOT.  HAVE U PEOPLE EVER BEEN INJURED AND IF SO HOW DID YOU WORK THAT INJURY INTO YOUR WRITING?

YOUR FRIEND,

FRANK T. BARTHOLOMEW

Hey, Frank, I have never been injured.  If I was injured, I would probably work the injury into my writing by writing about it.  How else would one do it?  I do not understand why you would mention that you were playing hopscotch near a power plant.  It seems like unnecessary information put in for comedic reasons.  It was funny, but was it pertinent information?  How does one injure their groin playing hopscotch?  Did you slip on the stone?  Please write back in the comment section and go into more detail of how you suffered your groin injury and less detail about where it happened.

What is the point of your website?  I go there every once in a while to find out what’s up with Katy Perry, but sometimes there’s articles by a guy named Mikey who says things like “I wonder what chocolate milk is made out of.”  I don’t get it.  Is this guy stupid or am do I not get it?  I already said that I don’t, so it is probably that.

If you feel like this website and your life have no point, maybe you didn’t read or Meaning of Life Theme Week.  Or maybe you did.  Mikey is stupid, of course, but let’s focus on what you came here for: Katy Perry talk.  She hosted Saturday Night Live this week and you could see her cleavage.  She was also involved in the protests last week that happened in Moscow after the parliamentary elections.  She will be writing a guest column for “Bosom Week” in January, so please check back then!