Grammy Predictions 2012

By Glenn and Jake

The Grammys are back and so are we!

Our predictions for last year were as entertaining as they were wrong but I think we’ve learned from our mistakes.  This year, for example, we are going to stop predicting Arcade Fire to win awards as they have not been nominated and their win last year officially means they are too “lame” for alternative people like us.  Instead we are going to take you on a wild, up and down ride through the sordid back alleys of Los Angeles in a predictions column about the 54th Annual Grammy Awards being held February 12th,. This will also be the day of the apocalypse: check the OYIT Facebook page for more details.

SONG OF THE YEAR 2011
“All of the Lights” by Kanye West ft. Kid Cudi, Rihanna and Fergie
“The Cave” by Mumford & Sons
“Grenade” by Bruno Mars
“Holoscene” by Bon Iver
“Rolling in the Deep” by Adele

Glenn:  What a wonderful group of musicians spreading their gospel of “chill beats” and “monster guitar riffs.”  When I listen to Holoscene by Bon Iver, I think of the guitar solo from November Rain mixed with the drum solo from The Lung mixed with the bass solo from Is This It.  This perfect combination has to make Holoscene the front runner, but don’t rule out The Cave or All of the Lights.  What is the one thing a cave needs?  Lights - all of them.  Kanye teamed up wtih Kid Cudi, Rihanna and Fergie to make a song about being rich and famous as a musician and trying to go to a light fixtures store to outfit your new loft apartment.  The Cave is based on the Plato allegory and will surely sail over the heads National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences, a moronic group of proto-fascists if I ever saw one.
Winner: “Rolling in the Deep” by Adele

Jake: I have never heard any of these song, except the Kanye West song, which I do not remember.  Bon Iver and Mumford & Sons are two of my most hated bands.  People I know like these bands for some reason.  Bruno Mars sounds like it would be Bruce Willis in outer-space, but there is very little harmonica on his records.  Adele is respected this year.  Her name is also sort of fun to say, but not that fun.  If Bon Iver or Mumford & Sons win this award, I will learn four magic tricks and perform them over Skype, even though Skype has a strict “no magic” policy.  
Winner: “Rolling in the Deep” by Adele

BEST NEW ARTIST
The Band Perry
Bon Iver
J. Cole
Nicki Minaj
Skrillex

Glenn:  Skrillex, $rillex, sKrILLex, Skrillecks, a million times over.  Not only is he the best new artist but he might be the newest artist, period.  I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve been in the club, with mad beats thumping as hard as my heart the first time I ever cupped, over shirt, female breasts.  Then Skrillex comes out and I just lose it, as hard as the first erection I ever lost during intercourse.  His beats are out of this word.  They belong to another, better world - Kepler-22, for example.  I bet on Kepler-22 everyone listens to that Earth’s version of Skrillex and on that Earth the Grammys have been replaced a live Skrillex concert from the very, literal top of the Eiffel Tower.
Winner: Juan Cole (of Informed Comment fame)

Jake:  The Band Perry is Katy Perry’s back-up band.  Bon Iver is a band people like, but, much like Mumford & Sons, I have no idea why.  J. Cole and Nicki Minaj will take the urban vote, but neither of them are all that good, so they won’t get the rural or suburban votes.  That leaves Skrillex.  Skrillex is a dubstep sensation.  Everybody loves dubstep and everybody loves dubstep’s major player, Skrillex.  Some may think that Skirillex’s music sounds like a person suffering from IBS after devouring three servings of five alarm chili, but that is the minority.  Winner: Skrillex

ALBUM OF THE YEAR
“21” by Adele
“Wasting Light” by The Foo Fighters
“Born this Way” by Lady Gaga
“Doo-Waps and Hooligans” by Bruno Mars
“Loud” by Rihanna

Glenn:  There are a few great crimes that still incense me to this day: the taking of the Lindbergh baby, the 1919 “Black Sox” scandal and the failure of the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences to nominate Bon Iver’s self-titled album for this category.  My friend Bryan, probably the biggest Bon Iver fan I know, compared this miscarriage of justice to an event earlier this year where murderer Casey Anthony was convicted of murdering.  But at least her courthouse steps soliloquy got nominated for Best Spoken Word Track!  Anyway, the first rock concert I ever saw was the Foo Fighters AND Red Hot Chili Peppers.  The latter were touring for 1999’s stellar Californication and the former were playing a bunch of electrified Leadbelly covers.  My friend Brandon, the second biggest Bon Iver fan I know, got drunk before the concert and passed out.  When he awoke he had received writing credits for four songs on the Foo Fighters’ 1999 album There is Nothing Left To Lose.  The name of that album was off base - there was much more to lose - and so is the NARAS for picking Lady Gaga to win this.
Winner:  “Born this Way” by Lady Gaga

Jake:  If you are under 45 years old, you probably were not aware that The Foo Fighters even released an album this year.  I know that I was not, but I do not feel better knowing.  The Foo Fighters are like a modern day Red Hot Chili Peppers--you may have listened to them when you were a teen or pre-teen, but now you realize your folly and you listen to Skrillex and James Blake albums instead.

Adele seems to be the odds on favorite with a strong contendership from Rihanna.  Bruno Mars and Lady Gaga are pretty popular in some circles, but not in mine--which is a sewing circle.  Lady Gaga sounds like Madonna but presents herself as a PG-13 G.G. Allin.  Bruno Mars sounds as if he would be a spaceman, but he really sounds like any run-of-the-mill pop act.  Rihanna seems to be respectable and I’m not sure why.  I even respect her, and, again, I’m not sure why.  Yet, this seems to be Adele’s year.  You cannot go to a high school lunch room or a VFW hall without hearing about Adele’s hit album “21.”  
Winner:  “21” by Adele