Mailbag Vol. 4 Issue 1

By Glenn and Jake

One Year in Texas,
What is going on?  I’m fine.  My mom keeps calling me asking if I found a job yet.  I haven’t, but come on, I’m an adult mom, leave me alone.  How is your mom?  I mean, I do love my mom, but she really just needs to get off of my fucking back about this job situation, right?  I mean, am I wrong?  I think I’m right, right?
-Tyler

Tyler, you’ve created a great question for us to answer.  Of course you’re right.  Out of all the things we hate about mothers - their failure to breast feed us past the age of 5, the way they embarrassed us on our first day of high school by forcing us to wear adult diapers, etc. - reminding us of how we are unemployable is one of the worst.  She’s like a critic of our President Barack Obama: full of what we do wrong but no suggestions as to how we can get a job.  Thankfully our President will never propose a policy that will help create jobs!  Just tell your mom that and she’ll stop asking.

You recently wrote a debate about your favorite desert island albums.  I didn’t understand what the debate was about and you never actually listed your top 5 favorite to have on a desert island.  WTF?  Could you please list your albums and settle this bet I have with my friend?

No, sorry.  I can’t list them explicitly but I can say they are all albums by the band Bush or Gavin Rossdale’s solo stuff.  I’ll let you figure out what they are.

Now, I don’t want to go on a rant, but do you guys like Dennis Miller?  He was pretty funny in “Bordello of Blood” and on “Saturday Night Live” but I’m not too familiar with any of his other work.  Is it worth seeking out or should I stick with Kevin Nealon’s body of work?

Congratulations you are the first person in the world I have ever heard refer to Kevin Nealon’s career as his “body of work.”  To the staff at OYIT Dennis Miller is funny as finding out you were stillborn and then reanimated a la Victor Frankentein’s monster.  Miller’s career was reanimated into evil when he decided to become a “conservative comic.”  That’s my oxymoron for the day.  But if you really want to see the appeal of DM, look for an episode of Monday Night Football where he says “"Hail Mary is denied – separation of church and state."

you’re dead.  if i find any of your addresses i am going to take a greyhound bus, full of fucking prison convicts, straight to you.  then i’m going to slit your fucking throats.  if you want to give me your addresses that would be fine too - save me the trouble of having to look for them.

It seems like we cannot do a single mailbag without somebody wanting to murder us.  This person wants to slit our throats, which is not the worst way to die, unless somebody then makes love to the slit in your throat.  Even if that happens, I can certainly think of many different ways to die that are worse.  I will most certainly not give you my address.  I may strike a bloodlust into people, but I’m no idiot.  Thank you, though, for taking the time to write to us.  Nobody even takes the time to leave a nice comment on these articles like “funny” or “WTG Guys.”

Dear Heather,
Why haven’t you written an article lately?  The one you wrote about your parents being deaf was so funny!  I read it aloud to my parents, who are also deaf, before they died from a carbon monoxide leak in our house.  Perhaps you could write a new article warning people that carbon monoxide kills!
Sincerely,
Heether

This letter has to be a fake.  I think that “Heether” is an alias of Heather.  I have never met a person who has died of carbon monoxide poisoning.  I have also never seen a ghost.  Ghosts are scary, so I’m not sure if I’d like to meet one.  Plus, it would be pretty awkward to meet a ghost because you can’t shake hands with a ghost.  What would you do?  I find shaking hands to be a necessary step in meeting people to accurately get a sense of a person’s strength.  I would assume that a ghost is strong, but they don’t have muscles so I have no idea, which is why shaking hands with one would be so important.  So, to answer your question, Heather hasn’t written an article for One Year in Texas for over a year and will never write one again.  She is a ghost.

Dear 1 year in TeX@s mailb@g
hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  can 1 get a letter in the mailbag???????????????? sorry i havent been online in 4eva.  got grounded from the comp for a year bc my parents found crack rox in my bookbag.  not mine and i never smoked em!  but i will.
love,
kitten

Hello, kitten.  Nice to hear from you again after such a long time.  I’m sad to hear that you have been grounded and appalled that you carry cracked cocaine on your person.  Cracked cocaine is a very powerful and dangerous drug.  A tween like you, kitten, should not be messing around with such a volatile substance.  You should be too busy masturbating to “Tiger Beat Magazine” to smoke rocks of crack.  I know that I am.  I am going to plan an intervention for you and have a talk to your parents about grounding you.  Grounding children is not a very effective way to dissuade negative behaviour.