Debate: Sugar

By Jake & Glenn 

Sugar, nothing is as sweet at it, not even success or having sexual intercourse with a beautiful man. We put it on our cereal, eat crystallized rocks of it and snort it off of the table at diners as a “dare.” Yet, some folks think there is nothing more evil than sugar in the world. They think sugar is a poison and should be eradicated like so many Jews from Nazi Germany during World War II. Others think sugar is the only element human beings should eat - providing them with all necessary nutrition. These are extreme examples from an extreme time. Who is more right?

Jake: Sugar is a gift from the gods. Whenever I feel blue--or down in the dumps, for you more literal types--I reach for an ice cold can of Mountain Dew. It is loaded with sugar and caffeine. It’s a fertilizer bomb of good feelings. Sugar is my friend when I’m alone, my comforter when I’m cold at night, my lover when I’m horny and, heck, it’s just plain sweet. Artificial sweeteners are loaded with more chemicals than a high school chemistry class and taste about as good. Case in point: Diet Mountain Dew tastes like Bruce Vilanch’s sweat-soaked t-shirts.

Glenn: If artificial sweetner is the taste of Bruce Vilanch’s t-shirts, sugar should be compared to his jokes written for the awful 2011 Oscar ceremony and told by the zombie James Franco. Sugar is naturally occurring and thus was created by older gods. That I will concede. However, that does not make it good. The same gods made nuclear waste, thorny bushes and low culture shows like “Don’t Fuck with the Dress” on Bravo. These things, like sugar, are incredibly bad for you and will lead to an untimely death. Candy and cookies with sugar taste sweet, but are rotting away your insides like the acid from a dead alien. Anyone suffering from Type II diabetes would be shocked to read Jake’s point and immediately need a dose of insulin.

Jake: Sugar is not only what little girls are made of, it’s also a natural flavor enhancer. A little bit of sugar can turn your ordinary gruel into a delicious bowl of sweetened gruel, which still doesn’t sound all that great, but is pretty good as far as gruel goes, ask any Dickensian orphan! Most artificial sweeteners will cause cancer in rats, which have the same genetic make-up as humans, which is why scientists experiment on them. Cancer is already super easy to grow--much easier than this god damned Chia Pet that looks like Scooby Doo I purchased from a gypsy on the black market. Sugar may not be an “all of the time” snack, we can still indulge in moderation. There’s no harm in getting ice cream with “no added sugar.” It will still be the sweetest thing you put in your mouth that day, unless you are a prostitute.

Glenn: Another debate, another subtle Jake shilling for his “Gruel Recipes” blog. I am not here to shill for anyone except Aspartame, the art(ificial) sweetener. It was discovered in 1965 by James Schlatter and has been declared “safe” by organizations as varied as FEMA and the al Aqsa Martyrs Brigade, the only brigade of martyrs to rate artificial sweeteners. Aspartame is what makes Diet Coke work and their work to kill off New York City’s rat population with cancer is admired by anyone who lived through the plague. The worst thing you can say about art sweeteners is that the jury is “still out” on them, like global warming and Gary Condit. The worst thing you can say about sugar is that it kills millions of people every year. Heart disease is the country’s #1 killer and everyone who dies from it has consumed sugar. Case closed.

Jake: I hardly think this case is closed! In fact, I will now blow it wide fucking open. Artificial sugar has killed more people than John Wayne Gacy could even think about cramming in his basement’s crawl space. Cancer is just as dangerous, if not more so, as heart disease. Heart disease has other factors that can contribute to it, but cancer has but one: artificial sweetener. You have never heard about somebody getting cancer from anything else! Sure, I could close the case now, but why would I when I’m on such a roll? Sugar makes everything better. When you are in the hospital with a serious condition, they hook you up to an IV filled with sugar water. You know why? Sugar has restorative properties. Artificial sweetener has ruined more lives than hurricanes, Japanese earthquakes and elderly rich men making one dollar bets combined. Sugar is my co-pilot and artificial sweeter is the terrorist trying to take over the airplane and fly it into a heavily populated building in New York City (I will refrain from telling you which one).


Glenn: When the heroes of United 93 took control of that plane and flew it safely to the Olmsted Air Force Base, they were doing it with a rush of energy that came from the artificially sweetened treats always served by United Airlines - things like Diet Coke and sugar-free Peeps. There is not one documented case of NutraSweet and its ilk causing cancer, with the possible exception of those who were also exposed to radiation from the Chernobyl meltdown in 1986. James Schlatter didn’t invent Aspartame to hurt people; he did it to help them. Sugar rots your teeth and your mind, turning us into a nation of morons who watch low culture shows like Bravo’s “Fuck Me In This Dress!” and are academically dismissed from low quality state schools. We would all be better off without any sweetness in our lives, but since that isn’t an option we should stick with art sweeteners that have never betrayed us. As Jesus said dying on the cross, “eloi eloi, lama sabachthani?” - loosely translated into “sugar sugar, why have you forsaken me?” This Good Friday let’s learn from his mistake.