Shut up About Charlie Sheen Already

By Jake 

You cannot leave your house or turn on any media delivery device anymore without some asshole droning on to you about Charlie Sheen. It seems that Mr. Sheen was recently "busted" for doing cocaine and hanging out with pornography starlets. Then he went onto a lot of TV shows and said things like "tiger blood" and the word "winning." Now, his hit TV program, 2.5 Men, is on hiatus and may never return.

So where does this leave us, the general population of the world? I guess this separates us into three categories: 1) those of us who are obsessed with Charlie Sheen and eat his TV interviews, movies and 2.5 Men for breakfast 2) those who hate or simply do not care about Charlie Sheen in any way and 3) Charlie Sheen. I would fall into the second group, I suppose. I am more annoyed by all of this Charlie Sheen talk than I am by Heidi Montag not being on TV anymore.

I have nightmares about what Jay Leno's current monologue must be like. As he squeeks away "Charlie Sheen is on drugs and likes sex jokes" like a mouse, I wake up in a cold sweat. If he does "Dancing Charlie Sheens" I will drive to Burbank, California, and shoot Jay Leno in his throat.

I feel truly lucky at this moment because I do not have Television and I just won the lottery. Before this Charlie Sheen incident happened, I had planned on buying a 100 inch 3D TV, but now I will just donate that money to a stripper with the smallest chest at the local gentleman's club. I will be buying a gun, though, if I find out about any sort of Dancing Charlie Sheens.

What can we ultimately do to escape the Charlie Sheen jokes, opinions, discussions and town hall meetings?
1) Suicide. It's always the answer.
2) Read a book that is not about Charlie Sheen.
3) Meditate. Try to clear your mind of Charlie Sheen.
4) Cyber bully some kids to death.

There's a lot we can do to escape the white noise of Charlie Sheen and talk of Sheen. We just have to want to escape it first.