New Mailbag

By Glenn and Jake 

We're back with another mailbag. These are our responses to letters you've sent in about topics as varied as Aerosmith and recidivism. Plus famous director Cameron Crowe wrote in this week! If you have any questions or very implicit death threats, please email us at mailbag@oneyearintexas.com.

Hey Website,
I spend a lot of my time on the internet, and out of all of the website that I’ve seen on it, yours is the only one that I has made me cry. Maybe I’m over-emotional, but I have have never cried at a funeral or during an anime movie. I cry at your website because you only post three articles a week and you used to post 14. When you posted 14 I cried because a lot of them were awful. Can you answer this question for me: am I a cry baby or is your website a real tear jerker and are you guys a bunch of tear jerks?

Still Sobbing,
Robert

Dear Robert,
Thanks for writing in. There’s nothing wrong with crying. In fact I often find myself crying from art but never because of anything in my life. This is due to the same emotional numbness we try to foster in all our readers. Clearly it hasn’t worked with you. Excuse us for not posting 14 articles a week anymore. That’s like criticizing JD Salinger for not writing a novel for the last twenty years of his life.

Good Morning,
REMemeber that? You Udes to wihs us good morning s all the tyme. That was niced because i live alnoe and nobdy wishes me good morning. R U going to do that agin? I lked it.
-beeffart@earthlink.net

We were going to start the feature again on Monday but now will not. However I am interested in perhaps living with you. Do you have a one bedroom or studio? I am willing to pay $2500 a month, not including WebTV subscription. And I will wish you a good morning every day until the day I kill you.

Dear One Year in Texas,

A few questions if you’ll allow me. First what happened to ashlee the young female writer? She helped me find my way into the world of adolescent teendom in a way Skins does not. Second where are the Fish Puns? Imagine me asking that in the same tone as tea party baggers asking “Where is the birth certificate?” of President Obama. Third if the writers of One Year had to collectively name one website their favorite, which would it be?

Thank you,
Felipe

Hello Felipe,
That’s quite a laundry list of questions you have there. Hey, what does laundry list even mean? Do people write down every item of clothing they are washing? Have I been doing laundry incorrectly? Okay, first: ashlee was not a real person. Second: Fish Puns were written by Josh, who Glenn immediately banned from the site because Glenn is unable to come up with a pun. Gary and myself wrote a Fish Puns article once, and it was pretty good, I thought, but it did not even come close to matching the success of the original article. Our favorite website is TMZ or any other great celebrity gossip news website. We love to dish about the stars.

HI!!!!!!!! YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST!!!!!!!!! I JUST GOT OUT OF PRISON AND I’M GOING TO COME FIND YOU AND SHOW YOU GUYS HOW MUCH I LOVE READING THIS SHIT WHEN I WAS IN PRISON. GIVE ME YOUR ADDRESSES PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, we are legally not allowed to give out our address on the internet. It is part of the contract we signed we were asked to take over this website. We agreed to the terms. It sounds like you want to murder us, which is further reason to not give you our addresses. We get these kinds of emails all of the time. People hate us and our website. I guess we are just not very likable. It’s probably why we only get 30 pageviews a day.

Hi bros,
I loved when you did Aerosmith week. They are one of my favorite bands of all time. Their song “Living on the Edge” is cool, but it is sort of scary, because it makes me think of falling off of a cliff. I like the song “Pink” although I’m not a big fan of the color. Why don’t you throw me a bone and write another Aerosmith article? You did a whole week based on Jerry Maguire, why not a whole week based on Aerosmith? Even if you just posted their music videography that would still be pretty cool.

Walk This Way,
Jeremy

Thanks Jeremy. There’s been a huge schism amongst the senior staff of OYIT about whether to do an Aerosmith week. Jerry Maguire week was actually our compromise between doing another Aerosmith week and doing one about Ben Hur. Have you tried www.aerosmith.com? They have some of the best Aerosmith fan fiction on the internet. One of them involves eating Donald Trump.

Attention,

Consider this an informal cease and desist order. Quit writing articles about Jerry Maguire or I’ll see you in the court of public opinion.

Sincerely,
Cameron Crowe

Cameron Crowe, your movies are not very good. I saw Vanilla Sky in the theater and feel like you owe me money for the time I wasted watching that dumb ass movie. Jerry Maguire week has been over for weeks. So I guess this order has already worked. We will never mention any of your movies on this website again. We cancelled Elizabethtown week, which we were going to do next week. I doubt anybody would have read the articles anyway.