I Miss You, Heidi

By Jake

A year or two ago, “The Hills” star Heidi Montag was America’s sweetheart. She was what we all wanted to be: beautiful, young, blond and talentless-yet-famous. Then she made the crucial mistake of so many of our idols--she got massive plastic surgery. She probably thought it would lengthen her career and not stop it in its tracks. Heidi Montag is nothing if not misguided.

Honestly, I never have seen the television program “The Hills,” outside of clips of it on “The Soup.” I am a 28-year-old male, not a 14-year-old girl, so I do not watch any shows on MTV. Yet, I miss Heidi Montag. She tried so hard and it was always good for a laugh. Remember her singing career? That was fantastic. She was a bumbling celebrity. She was the Inspector Clouseau of TV reality stars.

Now, all she is known for is the plastic surgery. She turned herself into a Frankenstein’s monster, when all she wanted to be was famous for nothing. Being famous for nothing is currently fairly easy to obtain in our culture. Looks at the Kardashians. I have no idea what they do, other than have a TV show. I know that Kim had sex with Brandy’s brother, Ray J, but outside of that there is no reason any of them are famous--and is that really a reason? Heidi Montag tried to do other things, which, in an odd way, is commendable.

Heidi Montag is a Jesus freak. Her husband, Spencer Pratt, almost became a cyber detective once. That is one of my all-time favorite celebrity rumors. Remember when Spencer freaked out because they removed the labels off of Heidi’s shampoo bottles on Survivor? All of that and she also starred on a heavily scripted “reality” show on MTV.

I say we give Heidi another shot. Let her join the cast of some dumb show like “The Real Houswives of Beverly Hills.” We don’t watch it anyway, so why not let her be on it while we’re not watching it? She is better than most reality stars because she tries to be famous for something and we can all derive some pleasure from that when it ends up being an awkward failure. Now that Michael Jackson has died, we need somebody else with massive plastic surgery to badmouth, but it is not fair unless they are famous. Heidi Montag is not famous right now, but hopefully someday soon she will be and I will be making fun of her once again in my weekly entertainment article.