Debate: Should Bottled Water be Banned?

By Glenn and Jake 

Two themes have been prevalent in our recent debates: the government's role in our private lives and grappling with the future. Whether addressing the cybernetic nature of Alex Trebek or Kate Middleton's wedding, readers come to us to find answers in an uncertain world. One of the biggest uncertainties in our future is water. Where will it come from? How much will it cost once it's privatized? Will wet t-shirt contest be banned and then legalized? This week we tackle a more pressing aspect. Recently a town somewhere made possessing or transporting plastic water bottles illegal with the punishment of "39 lashes." Is this the only rational response to the natural human instinct to destroy the environment around it or an unnatural overreaction to people's desire to not brush their teeth with Coke Zero? Pour yourself a glass of water, keep a bottle nearby, and read on.

Glenn: Don't take my water bottle away from me. We've already lost so many rights since Obama was elected. Don't ask me which ones - my tears say enough. If you were to bottle my tears and sell it for $1.50 per twelve ounces you'd have yourself a great deal. But you'd also be holding what some say is a time bomb to destruction. There are two facets to this debate: will water bottles destroy the planet and should the government ban them? The answer to the second is obviously no, but I think you'd be surprised by the answer to the first. It's "probably not." I found this answer by rearranging the verses in the Qur'aan so they matched up to the book "The Secret." But there's no secret behind the First Amendment of the US Constitution, which guarantees us life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Holding and owning a water bottle is my pursuit of happiness. The happiest time I can remember in my life is when I picked up a 96 pack of Dasani water from a Sam's Club after it had fallen on a 8-year-old child. The child did not survive, but Sam's let me keep all 96 bottles. I drank each one in honor of the song 96 tears by Question Mark and the Mysterians. Hopefully this has put the debate about banning water bottles into perspective.

Jake: Your point makes about as much sense to me as a Portugese Mad Libs book. Bottled water is just a way to sell us something we essentially get for free. Most water bottling plants literally use tap water out of an industrial hose. The plastic waste is immense. We need to conserve our natural resources, not create more unnecessary waste to stuff into our landfills. People who drink bottled water are worse than murderers and rapists combined. They are raping and murdering our planet, which is much worse than doing the same to humans. Not even a reference to a classic protopunk song can convince me otherwise. Bottled water should be banned. It is a step in the right direction for a nation too lazy to walk over to a fucking faucet and fill up a glass.

Glenn: I see a lot of anger towards our second most precious resource behind bottled water: the American people. The same American People who revolted against the British in 1776, the British in 1812 and the Japanese in 1945. Consider this move towards bottled water the new American revolution, because we are rising up against totalitarianism of a different sort. True or false: the only bottled drinks widely available besides water are those of soda (or "pop," depending on which side of Berlin you are from). Why do you think Coke Zero, which owns Coca-Cola, and Pepsi Clear, which owns Pepsi-Cola, have been fielding so many city council candidates in the Northeast over the past thirty years? It's part of a long-term strategy to locally outlaw bottled water so people are forced to buy bottled soda or canned pop. I've worked hard to defeat many of these people, but they form a majority in a growing number of towns. Just look at grocery and convenience store soda sales after bottled water is outlawed and I'm sure you'll see a straight line curving upwards the hell we'll find ourselves in. (In my version of the Qur'aan, hell is above us and heaven is below.)

Jake: Coke and Pepsi own bottled water. That is the first indication that bottled water is nothing but a money-making scheme perpetrated by money-hungry corporations on the American people. I would like to shove $20 bills down the throats of Indra Nooyi and Muhtar Kent until they vomit dimes back into the wallets of American citizens. Sure, most Americans are low-life anti-intellectuals, but that is no reason that they should be tricked into paying for something they get virtually for free. Capitalism allows for shit like this, which is fine, but we need to use the law to stop it. People are simply too dumb to stop buying worthless garbage that pollutes our planet on their own. They're too busy watching Super Bowls, watching Dane Cook stand-up specials on Comedy Central and reading books meant for children. We have come to a crossroad in our existence and we can either ban bottled water or we can watch our society crumble like a saltines into a bowl of chowder. I have not bought a bottle of water in years, and if I did, I would recycle it or melt it down to make clothing. Most Americans would just toss it at an Arabic person.

Glenn: I did a little investigating of my own and it turns out Coke and Pepsi own Dasani and Aquafina, two heavily pro-war bottled water companies. You know what else they own? Packard Bell, the brand of computer we're both using to write this debate and AOL, the ISP we're using to access the internet. Are you going to throw your computer out of the window in anger? Should the FEC not approve AOL's purchase of Huffington Post and Hipster Runoff? Just because something is wrong for us doesn't mean the government should ban it. Take abortion, for example. The people who advocate overturning Roe v. Wade through right-wing judicial activism never take their position to the logical extreme. If you make abortion illegal, wouldn't you also have to start putting pregnant women and doctors in prison? Throw in bottled water users too. Maybe we should start giving the death penalty to Aquafina's truck drivers? This is a slippery slope to travel down, so let's not make it any slippier by mixing the blood of innocent Americans with poured out bottled water.

Jake: You would not need to imprison bottled water users, because bottled water would not be available outside of a Y2K bunker. I do not care if AOL buys Huffington Post, Taco Bell or Americlock, Inc., the world's best tower clock and bell manufacturer. The only thing I care about is getting bottled water banned and pollution. I do not even care about people's feelings. Bottled water serves little purpose other than satisfying the thirst of people too paranoid to drink tap water, too stupid to buy a pitcher/tap filter and motorists with bad planning skills. When I go for a long drive, I fill up a sports bottle before I leave and enjoy refreshing filtered tap water throughout the drive. I am not a rube, unlike Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Bottledwater-Consumer. I want you to do me a favor, the next time you go into a store and reach for a bottle of Aquafina, instead reach into your pocket, pull out your gun and shoot yourself in the head. While inconsiderate to the person attending to the register, it will at least rid the Earth from another bottled water drinking asshole.