Debate: Prince William and Kate Middleton's Royal Wedding

By Glenn and Mary 



Prince William's engagement has unfairly been credited newsworthy all over the media. While engagements, much like sports, aren’t actually news no matter how large of a proportion of your hometown paper is devoted to these two topics, we at OYIT get down to the real issue: is Kate Middleton a hero? The Prince William and Kate Middleton of this website attempt to answer this question in the following paragraphs.

Mary:
What we have is the controversy of what makes a modern-day princess heroic. Kate Middleton is not a hero; she's merely a princess-to-be. In the past, a young lady waited for her prince to rescue her from chores, choir concerts, and oppressive parent-figures to live happily ever after together in a castle. The princess was never the hero because this would contradict the fairy-tale's attempt to socialize young girls to an active/passive dichotomy by which one would submit themselves to be rescued, rather than rescuing oneself from the oppression by any means necessary. The modern-day princess doesn't even know she's a princess and escapes her toils on her own, overcoming opposition and adventures through the woods to the nearby city where she learns she's the princess, who was stolen from the royal family at a young age. She is a hero. Kate Middleton, on the other hand, is unworthily praised for wearing hats and waiting around a decade for her Prince to come. Princess: yes; hero: no. I’d rather go back to watching BP propagandize its eco-consciousness or how Congress will extend Bush-era tax cuts than see repeated footage of Prince William and his Princess-to-be.

Glenn:
I will make an outrageous statement to start off my debate point: Mary is jealous of Kate Middleton. Even though I was not born a woman and have no plans to become one, I know how they think. Sometimes I feel like I am more in touch with second and fourth wave feminism than the women around me. This is why I can see inside Mary’s soul and know that while she is a good person, she has committed the sin of envy and will be killed by Kevin Spacey. If I was a woman or had feminine qualities, I would jump at the chance to marry a prince. A real prince! The good kind too, not one of those motherfuckers from Saudi Arabia. No Western woman would ever want to get involved with the Arab kingdoms and shame on Mary for implicitly suggesting Kate Middleton would be better off in a full burkha in Manama.

Mary:
Glenn just ad hominemed the shit out of this debate, probably because he knows he has no case and a losing track record on OYIT debates. While the masses watch British celebrity gossip and mistake Kate Middleton for a hero, they also confuse Sarah Palin for a feminist, so I must admit that Glenn is more in touch with second and fourth wave feminism because he actually knows what second and fourth wave feminism means. But unless Kate Middleton is infiltrating the royal family to overthrow the monarchy and give students free tuition without fees, I’m not jealous in the least. Instead, Kate Middleton is giving away her right to vote just to marry a prince, which places one hundred years and any and all future waves of feminism between her and heroism. Glenn obviously hasn’t seen Tangled and if he had, he wouldn’t have gone to the way better 3-D version, and therefore he has no authority on what makes a princess a hero. Furthermore, when I think of a hero, I think of America; Kate Middleton can’t even get that right.

Glenn:
It's a bit hypocritical to accuse of ad hominem attack and then blatantly appeal to the nationalist/fascist elements of our readership by saying only heroes can be American. I can think of plenty of non-American heroes: Simon Cowell, Abu Musab al-Zarqai, Neil Young, et cetera. I even have a few more that aren’t related to music! The point is that Kate Middleton’s nationality has nothing to do with her heroism. She’s a hero because she represents the feminine ideal while at the same time putting up with the bullshit all women have to endure. Her in-laws are awful, she is constantly judged for what she wears and has terrible cramps every month during her period. She’s someone we can all relate to. I bet your precious Tangled 3D - which no, I won’t see because it’s for children - mentions nothing about menstrual cycles.

Mary:
At least in America, we don't have to bow down to a Monarch. Talk about blind nationalism! I would hate to have to bow down every time I saw a member of the "royal" family, especially with my bad back because here in America, young girls get to grow up playing sports with the kids in the neighborhood instead of practicing to become a princess. While girls in England are hosting high tea time with their stuffed animals, over in America, we're already making regular trips to the chiropractor. But it's not sports that condition American girls for success and heroism, it's that we are free from the archaic fantasy of marrying a prince. Becoming a real princess isn't even in the realm of possibilities of a young American girl, thus allowing for the full opportunity - dare I say freedom? - to become a hero in our own right. To Glenn, Kate's submission to a prince 'til her death is a perfectly suitable prison for a woman and he hopes by glorifying her as a hero, more women will follow Kate's example and be kept barefoot and pregnant. Although Tangled is meant for children, so is Harry Potter and I will now expose to the world my knowledge that Glenn, in full HP attire, once stood outside during a North Dakota blizzard in a line with tens of other adults to see Happy Potter X. It's not that Glenn won't see Tangled because it's meant for children; he won't see Tangled because Glenn hates women, which is why he mistakes Kate Middleton for a hero.

Glenn:
If I had a crown for every time a woman accused me of hating woman, I would be the one marrying Kate Middleton. Here's a question: how can I hate women if I'm also afraid of them? I hate John Boehner but I'm not afraid of him. I am afraid of snakes but I do not hate them. I am neither afraid of or have hate for Harry Potter, which is why I let some of the neighborhood kids talk me into dressing up as Gandolf from the Harry Potter series. Based on Mary's statements she seems to have chronic back problems, which is a serious issue for any woman but especially Kate Middleton. Ms. Middleton's back hurts from carrying the weight of the British monarchy on her back as a princess-in-waiting. But she did it because it was the best thing for herself and the best thing for her rotting, failed empire. My prediction is that she will become Queen of England, Mary's back problems will kill her at age 30 and Tangled 3D will win the Oscar for Longest Hair in a Motion Picture (Drama).