Grammy Predictions 2011

By Jake & Glenn

For the past two years, we have predicted who would win Best Picture at the Academy Awards. After receiving our twelfth cease and desist order from the American Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, we decided to switch tone. That was an attempt a a pun because we will now predict winners of the Grammy Awards instead. No one has ever been stopped from predicting this awards show and no one has ever enjoyed reading such predictions. In fact, people were never able to accurately predict the Grammys before because no one ever knew the nominees ahead of time. Julian Assange and WikiLeaks changed that this year by releasing the nominees along with 250,000 diplomatic cables from the American government. Let this article be the reason his death wasn't in vain.

SONG OF THE YEAR

"Beg Steal Or Borrow" by Ray LaMontagne And The Pariah Dogs
"F*** You! (Forget You)" by Cee Lo
"The House That Built Me" by Miranda Lambert
"Love The Way You Lie" by Eminem featuring Rihanna
"Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum

Glenn: What a great list of nominees! These were songs that defined our year and what a wonderful year it was. "Beg Steal or Borrow," song by the smooth sounding baritone of Ray LaMontagne, was the perfect description of how the federal government dealt with budgetary issues and found its place at many tea party rallies over the summer. I'm not as familiar with the "F*** You" song by Cee-Lo, but I remember as a teenager loving his other song called "I Wish" about being taller. "Need You Now" and "The House That Built Me" are easily forgotten and hold no chance to win song of the year. "Need You Now," like most things by Lady Antebellum/Gaga was popular among the youngest and most female/homosexual of music listeners, but that isn't who votes at the Grammys. "The House That Built Me" is the only thing that can compete with the LaMontagne song. THTBM has a great thumping beat enjoyed by everyone who lies to go "clubbing," but brain dead club kids don't vote in the Grammys either. Winner: Ray LaMontagne - "Beg Steal Or Borrow".

Jake: I had only heard two of these songs until today, and, for the first time in my life, I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from doing something (listening to these songs). The Pariah Dogs are a folk-pop group. Lady Antebellum and Miranda Lambert are terrible country pop artists. Obviously, this does not necessarily factor into the voting of the Grammy committee, but it should. Country pop is possibly the worst genre of modern music. I would rather listen to zydeco music, and even the zydeco bands nominated for a Grammy are the poppiest, most popular ones out and not the truly passionate ones. Cee Lo will win. He is the singer of Gnarls Barkley and that band is pretty popular and Gwenyth Paltrow sang "Fuck You" on an episode of Glee. Gwenyth Paltrow, although 45 years old and married to that chode from Coldplay, is still my musical hero. What she says go, and nobody better say otherwise, unless it is about Coldplay. They suck. Winner: Cee Lo - "Fuck You".

BEST NEW ARTIST

Justin Bieber
Drake
Florence & The Machine
Mumford & Sons
Esperanza Spalding

Jake: 2010 was a very robust year for new artists coming on the scene. Every artist nominated for this category is equally the best, so it is going to be a particularly difficult decision for the Grammy committee. Justin Bieber and Drake are the odds on favorites. They are the modern-day Beatles and Rolling Stones, respectively. Drake starred on the MTV version of Degrassi and Justin Bieber was on some Disney Channel Show probably. I feel like the true winner of this award will be us, the music-listening/award-show-watching public. If Justin Bieber and Drake perform a duet while Florence & The Machine and Mumford & Sons back them up, I will literally die from ejaculating my soul out of my body. What about Esperanza Spalding, you might be asking yourself. She could not make it, sadly. She is grieving the death of a close family friend and knows that she is not going to win. Winner: Justin Bieber.

Glenn: In 2009 the team of Kuwaiti nationals who determine the Best New Artist nominees breathed a sandy sigh of relief at the then-assumed notion that there would be no more new artists. Then these five entities came onto the scene like the Iraqi army marching into Kuwait City. Drake is the one most like Saddam Hussein and certainly will suffer the same fate after similar beginnings. If the Canadian influence is strong this year, Aubrey Graham (Drake's real name) will take this. No one else has been responsible for the kind of riot he produced at the infamous South Seaport concert in New York this summer. He shared the stage with Hanson that day (previous Best New Artist winners) and Hanson can be best compared to Justin Bieber who will not win this award. He is too young and all of his music is for children. Florence & The Machines and Mumford & Sons will split the ampersand vote, letting Esperanza Spalding slip in undetected, like the Iraqi National Army in the first analogy I made. Winner: Esperanza Spalding.

ALBUM OF THE YEAR

The Suburbs - Arcade Fire
Recovery - Eminem
Need You Now - Lady Antebellum
The Fame Monster - Lady Gaga
Teenage Dream - Katy Perry

Jake: Glenn will no doubt choose The Arcade Fire as his go-to pick for not only this award, but for his favorite post-Oasis band. I am not a fan, personally. I do not care that they sold out, but I do care that they are boring. My pick? Katy Perry. She is by far the bustiest artist nominated for a Grammy this year. Sadly, Dolly Parton was snubbed yet again. Katy Perry has over-taken Lady Gaga and Georgia O'Keefe as the most talked about female artist of the year. All Perry had to do was have voluptuous breasts and appear on Sesame Street. Do you think Sesame Street's streets are literally made of sesame? I do, although that has very little to do with Katy Perry winning this highly coveted award. Lady Gaga is a "shock rocker" like Marilyn Manson and Slipknot, but theatrics only get you so far. She might win an award for most conceptual meat dress, but this is one award that Gaga cannot "shock" onto her mantle or bathroom. Who the fuck is Lady Antebellum? She will act as Ralph Nader and will syphon votes away from Gaga, leaving the field wide open for Perry. Eminem is getting too old to take seriously when he talks about shitting in somebody's mouth or murdering his ex-wife. Still, it's more interesting than rap songs about cars. Winner: Katy Perry.

Glenn: Lady Antebellum has done a great job getting a nomination in both Song of the Year and Album of the Year. The only problem is they are both named the same thing. This will confuse Grammy voters, who have IQs between 70-80 and used to be known as "Borderline deficient." Jake has me dead to rights as The Suburbs is the only album of this category (or any other) I have heard. Even though it is easy to insult the Arcade Fire for being one of the best rock bands around, I won't do it. In fact, I'll praise their tough, workmanlike ethic and post-modern lyrics. They are like a combination of Bauhaus and John Cougar Mellencamp. I do not enjoy artists such as Eminem, Lady Gaga or Katy Perry and for the same reason: glorification of violence towards women. But this isn't about who would win "Glenn's Grammys" (a Grammy knock-off program that should debut sometime next decade). Jake is right that Katy Perry is unstoppable because she has large breasts and plays catchy music. No one else on this list can claim both of those things, and that is what the low IQ Grammy voters will reward. I just hope the Arcade Fire do not stop making albums because of this, as I know I would be tempted to do. Winner: Katy Perry.

Tune in February 13th to see if we are right. If we are, you win a car!