Did the Triceratops Exist?

By Jake and Keelin 

For millions of years people have been under the impression that Pluto was a planet and the brontosaurus and triceratops were dinosaurs. Then science enters the picture and flips the script, saying that everything we ever loved no longer exists. It was all merely a dream.

Jake: If somebody ever got in my face and told me that the triceratops did not exist, I would first pick my jaw up off of the floor and then jack the motherfucker in theirs. I do not kid around when it comes to the existence of dinosaurs and I do not tolerate anybody who does. I love dinosaurs and especially films and cartoons based on them. This brings me to my main point: if the triceratops did not exist, then The Land Before Time series is not real. Obviously it is not “real,” per se--it is a cartoon. Cartoons are inherently fake, right? Yet, I want to be able to at least suspend my disbelief while watching dinosaur cartoons. I do not want to be watching The Land Before Time IV: Journey Through the Mists and then have to tell everybody watching it with me that Cera cannot exist and the whole movie is nothing more than hogwash. Nobody wants that, and that is why the triceratops had to exist.

Keelin: Cartoons are a well-known cause of epilepsy, which may be why you have trouble distinguishing between real and unreal things. But that’s another debate altogether. Triceratops is the biggest myth perpetrated by the scientific community since penicillin and those weather balloons the Chinese used to stop rain during the Olympics. If triceratops had existed, why would such a hardy creature have died before our modern age? This would make them evolutionarily inferior to a cockroach, which is hard to imagine for an animal with so many awesome horns on its head. Also, the fossil record clearly shows that humans in pre-Jesus time rode around on Raptors. Why would they do this if a Triceratops was available? This would be about as nonsensical as a cowboy choosing to ride a bichon frise instead of a horse.

Jake: In the early years of grade school, I was taught that George Washington was a cherry tree lumberjack, Abraham Lincoln was programmed to die if he told a lie, Christopher Columbus discovered America and the triceratops absolutely existed. While three of those things are undoubtedly completely false, the triceratops still remains the “sweetest” animal to ever exist. Its horns remind me of the spikes of either Road Warrior Hawk or Road Warrior Animal (AKA: The Legion of Doom), so how could they not exist? Are you telling me that the Road Warriors just all of a sudden thought of wearing the spikes while they were at some S&M club in Chicago? I find that somewhat unlikely. Clearly their inspiration for the spikes came from a trip to the Field Museum where they saw the skeleton of a triceratops. How can there be a skeleton of an animal if it didn’t exist? It is like saying that Jesus was not real-- how could he not be when I paid $700 for a piece of the true cross?

Keelin: Everyone knows that skeletons are the least reliable form of evidence after ouija board readings and DNA extracted from bugs trapped in amber. The fossil record clearly shows that the lineage of quadrupeds goes from four-legged fish to unicorns to giant sloths to Chihuahuas. There’s no missing link in that chain, my friend, so how can triceratops be real? Any bones found and displayed from this so-called “triceratops” are clearly part of a global conspiracy to undermine the position of tyrannosaurus rex as America’s most beloved dinosaur. Like us, this great and majestic creature was a predator, a capitalist, and most importantly, had very tiny arms.

Jake: Your pro-tyrannosaurus stance has me sick to my stomach, and not for the first time. The t-rex has been out of favor ever since Steve Spielberg released his masterpiece, Jurassic Park. The world fell in love with the velociraptor and that love has endured since. Yet, where does that leave my chum the triceratops? This dino is arguable the most cuddly of all Jurassic creatures. Its three horns make it three times more lovable than the unicorn. Even Lisa Frank cannot argue with that. Yet, as rumors go around that the triceratops did not exist, people begin to forget about the dinosaur they once thought of while making love to their priest. Now all people want to do is listen to Lady Gaga MP3s and beat up emos. I say, let us fall in love with the triceratops once again. If we place the triceratops in our hearts, it will live forever and we, in turn, will become immortal.

Keelin: First of all, if I wanted to cuddle an extinct animal, I would certainly choose an Eastern Hare Wallaby over a triceratops. And, while I understand your yearning for this iconic animal of your youth, someday you will need to accept that, like Reaganomics and shoulder pads, the triceratops is just another lie to come out of the 1980s. Maybe next time you won’t be so credulous when the Dino-establishment tells you something.