Debate: Donating Your Organs

By Glenn and Jake 

"Would you like to become an organ donor?" is the question many of us dread or anticipate when going to the DMV. Whether you're just renewing an expired license or correcting a mistaken DUI revocation, you can't go through this bureaucratic process without being asked about your insides. There are roughly six hundred million people in the United States waiting on organ donations. Should we help them or let them die like senior citizens under Obama's new health care law? Do we really want people with failing kidneys praying to Allah or false idols that organ donors get into a car crash? Everyone who has a drivers license needs to read this debate, legally, under Obama's new driving law.

Glenn: What kind of monster would refuse to donate organs to a sick child? I've had my license suspended more times than I was put on academic probation in college, but every time when I return to the world of legal driving I say YES to organ donation and YES to my current height and weight. When I filmed a documentary in 2005 about organ donation, the only people at DMVs who I saw say NO were Orthodox Jews, Evangelical Christians and Wahhabi Muslims. Consider me on the other side of them on this issue and most others. Although I've never been the recipient of an organ donation, the way I treat my gizzard means I will probably need a new one by age 35. I just hope there is another half-human/half-bird hybrid out there who feels the same way about organ donation that I do.

Jake: If we are talking about the kind of organs that you play--the instrument--then I would be willing to donate it upon my death, but only if none of my surviving children want it. Although, I have a sinking feeling we're talking about internal organs. Those fuckers are going to be used for a sacrifice. I need to remain strong in death, and I just do not know a better way than allowing a demon to devour my sweet innards. If you do then I would be more than happy to donate certain organs. I do not think I could part with my intestine, heart or lungs. I will probably need those when I am royalty in Hell.

Glenn: I love playing the organ! Finally something we have in common, because too often these debates end up driving us apart. I don't know what kind of afterlife you believe in. It sounds like a bizarre mix of Sufism, Reform Scientology and post-rap. The afterlife I believe in involves me dying and then having my ashes spread across Wrigley Field, because there is no afterlife. There is also no reason to prevent those who suffer from benefiting when a drunk driver, released on furlough by Governor Michael Dukakis, rams into your car and kills you. I say yes to organ donation because I like the idea of living on in another human. Perhaps, one day, people who receive organ donations will eventually turn into some sort of half-human/half-bird hybrid like the donor was in life. That would be even more of a reason to donate than the two best we have now: vanity and selflessness.

Jake: What is the point of helping people? People are pretty much the worst. I have yet to meet a person who deserves to live. All people want to do is text on their cell phones in the supermarket and swim the English Channel. Those are too of the most disgusting examples of "life" possible. If you think about the other things humans do, like releasing The Jeff Foxworthy Show onto DVD and rape, then you know that donating your organs is like Russian Roulette. You might be giving up a liver to a world class hero like Terry Funk, but you might also be giving one to the dasterdly Repo Man. People are mostly bad, so it's just not worth it.

Glenn: You seem very negative on the human race, which would maybe land you a great spot in Hitler's Presidential administration or a teenage fanclub for the group Bauhaus. I love Bauhaus too, but I also love my fellow man - even Sufis or Reform Scientologists. I think everyone deserves a donated organ as long as they promise not to do anything bad with it. Maybe that is a good compromise: people agree to become donors but can specify where the organs go. I have a feeling my opponent would only agree to donate his lungs to heavy smokers, his heart to the Tin Man or his ear drums to fellow Bauhaus fans. I wouldn't place such restrictions, but am at least intrigued by the idea I could prevent a CEO in a non-fatal car crash from using my reproductive system to impregnate his administrative assistant. To be an organ donor is to give the greatest gift of all: the gift of life. And AIDS.

Jake: The greatest gift of all is the More-dick-track available at Spencer's Gifts. It is an hilarious take on the popular exercise device the Nordic Track, which helps you gain the strength of the Norse Gods. That is besides the point, really. If my organs could be used to bring forth a demon from the underworld to feed off of our sins and devour our souls, then I would donate my organs. Why would I donate them to save people? If somebody needs a heart, let them rip it out of a gorilla's chest. They are not getting mine. My opponent uses the goth band The Bauhaus to sell his point, but true goths would be more apt to perform a ritualistic sacrifice than a Miley Cyrus or Gucci Mane fan. I feel like this completely invalidates his points and unravels this debate like that sweater in that Weezer song. I declare myself the winner and command you all to take yourself off of the organ donor list, even if you are the one waiting for an organ.