Bobby Langston Blasts...Recycling

By Bobby Langston 



I have frequently come under fire for my anti-recycling stance, but I do not care. Recycling is just another one of the liberals ploys to feminize the males of America (the country I love). If we were meant to recycle, God would have made it easier to do. I cannot name one single thing that is more time consuming or disgusting than recycling. If you expect me to sort my garbage you are suffering from insanity. I am not obsessive compulsive or homeless. If the Earth can handle the greatness of America, then it can handle a little bit of trash.

Paper of plastic? That's a question you often hear at the supermarket, right? I always choose plastic--it's just stronger. Strength is a sign of greatness. Plus, it's made from oil, which is the best natural resource on this planet. I wish everything was made from oil, not just the dressing on my taco salad and the butter-like flavoring on movie theater popcorn. It is not as if I never choose paper. I love paper plates because washing dishes is for high school dropouts. I can eat my dinner and then toss out my plate and plastic spork. Simplicity at its finest.

Tap water is one of the most disgusting liquids this side of soy milk. Every morning, I go to the store and pick up a few bottles of delicious filtered water. The bottles give the water an extra zing that you just cannot get from a tap. I do not feel bad for throwing away hundreds of plastic water bottles every day. Who gives a shit? The Earth can take care of itself.

I want to make one thing clear, I am not in support of littering. If you throw a Wendy's wrapper on the ground, you are low-class. Put all your garbage in the proper receptacles. We live in America, not Belarus. Let's keep the streets of this country clean. This is merely an aesthetical stance.

As consumers, our greatest role is never-ending consumption. Let's not let some pushy liberals try to convince us to use reusable sandwich bags or BPA-free this or that. It's all voodoo nonsense, if you ask me (and by reading this article you have contractually made an agreement to ask me such questions, even if you would otherwise not be willing to do so). I believe in God and America, and if you do not, then you can spend all of your time sorting your recycling and trying to poison our easily influenced children with your pro-recycling propaganda. When I am in Heaven and you are burning in the firy pits of hell, we will see who was right about recycling.