Mailbag Vol. 3 Issue 3

By Jake and Glenn 

Onear year mailbag,
I am calling youwith a very impotant message. there is urgent money waiting for you in an internet account. All websites are accessing this money which is from a settlement between the US Government and the Federal Communications Organization regarding internet activities. Please respond quickly with your website URL, email addresses and account numbers.
Thank you,
Franklin S. Bayside
Internet Representative

Thanks for alerting me on this urgent matter Mr. Bayside. I am an avid fan of you high school and the television program that takes place there. Remember when Zach and Screech made a zit cream? Well, it was actually an anti-zit cream, but you know what I meant.

RE: the internet money. I don't know, I thought there was no money to be had on the internet. We have had ads for almost an entire calendar year and we have yet to even make $20. When we do, I will buy an 1/8 of weed, smoke it and watch some of the choicest episodes of Saved by the Bell. Thank you for the money, I have included my account number and website address. Please send me the money fast or buy me a subscription to your choice of audiophile magazine.

HEY FUCKERS,
EVERY DAY I WAKE UP AND WANT TO KILL MYSELF BECAUSE I'VE SPENT ALL NIGHT DREAMING ABOUT YOUR STUPID FUCKING WEBSITE. STAY OUT OF MY DREAMS!!!! ARE YOU FREDDY KRUEGER? BECAUSE READING YOUR WEBSITE, TO ME, IS LIKE HOW TINA FELT IN THE FIRST NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET WHEN SHE'S GETTING SLICED UP AND WRITHING AROUND ON THE CEILING. ONLY DIFFERENCE IS I DON'T HAVE A CEILING IN MY HOUSE AND CERTAINLY NOT IN MY DREAMS.

You want us out of your dreams, but do you want us to get into your car? You sounds like Billy F-ing Ocean over there on your keyboard whenever you typed this email. I'm glad you think we are like Freddy Krueger, but I always thought this website was more like Jason Vorhees: an unstoppable monster. This makes more sense because nobody reads this site, but we are very close to our 1,000th post. Remember when Jason hit the person in their sleeping bag with another person in a sleeping bag in Jason X? That was a really good scene, but the movie was not nominated for the Best Murder Academy Award that year, which is truly a shame.

dear one year in texas mailbag,
i'm a 21 year old hipster girl who goes to university in england. i'm really into richard ashcroft and obscure british stuff you'd never know about. i feel really lame reading your website which is not cool even by british standards, but i do like how you talk about house music and blur. maybe a little more about british post-punk indie and a little less about farmville? kthx. bye.

Post-punk is one of my favorite genres of music, 21 Year Old Hipster Girl. I surely have talked about post-punk in numerous articles and we only had that one article about Farmville and neither Glenn nor I have ever played it. I have seen nerd birds (that's for you since you are in the UK and they say "birds" instead of "bitches" like Americans, plus it rhymes) play it at the library. Even though I was pro-Farmville in that debate, I am in actuality very anti-Farmville and you will often see me performing my one man show "Farmville: America's Greatest Nightmare" at many of the lesser performing arts centers in Peoria, IL. You can also see my Wire tribute band performing at some of the lesser honky tonks in the greater Peoria area, but not in Peoria (although playing there is the dream). Thank you for your letter and keep in touch.

Dear Glenn,
I have been reading your articles for a while and find your take on the world to be very different from mine. Let me tell you something, I don't like it. I like when everybody has the same ideas--mine. As a member of a militia, I am very enraged by your liberal tax-tax-tax attitude. It's gross. Please write articles about forcing Mexicans out of America and try to write your articles as a Tea Party member.
-Tea Party Thomas III

What are you, my fucking father? I hate the tea party and everything they stand for, with the possible exception of repealing the Constitution. That sounds kind of cool. I'm not going to start writing my articles as one of you people though. Why don't you and the rest of your stupid militia pick up a bunch of fertilizer, put it in your truck and drive down to Oklahoma City (where OYIT's headquarters are located)? I'll meet you there.

OYIT,
Yo, you guys used to have articles wishing your readers a good morning, but now you don't. What's up with that? I liked that you were wishing me a good morning, and since you stopped posting these articles I have not had one that was good. You're ruining my life.
-Good Morning Gus Manning

Gus, this has to be an exaggeration. Here's what happened. We started the good morning series in early 2007 after the Democrats captured Congress. In preparation for the GOP taking control again next year, we decided to retire the feature so we could focus on feature articles, such as Katy's tale of Twilight and the weekly Fish Puns column. It's mourning in America, not morning anymore.

Dear OYIT,
You fruits are pretty funny. As a hard drinking, meat eating frat boy, I know thta I'm not part of your target audience. Hell, I even enjoy your articles about fucking saving trees and which fish are sustainable. I don't even eat fucking fish, but I like the puns and jokes you fags tell. I just wanted to let you know that I enjoy your website, but I think you could use a redesign. Also, could you send me nude pictures of the ladies who write for OYIT? I need something new to jackoff to.
-Frat Pat

Dear Pat,

I am going to assume you share more than a name with the famous SNL character played by Julia Sweeney. Your gender confusion and sexual nihilism leads you to overcompensate, calling us fruits and fags. I am going to send you a picture of myself with two vaginas photoshopped in where my nipples used to be. I hope this will lead you down a path of self discovery. Let me know if it doesn't work and I will personally drive to your house with a truck full of fertilizer.