Visit Great Grass America Amusement Theme Park!

By Hot Rod 


Here at Great Grass America Amusement Theme Park, the kids can enjoy grass related amusement rides such as 'The Lawnmower', 'The Waterhose' and the 'Role in the Hay' (warning all rides only for those 18 years of age or older).

You can experience the hands on history of lawn maintenance at the exhibit 'A History of Lawnmowers', narrated by Viggo Mortensen, which starts with a single flint stone, and chattel Jew slaves; and ends with the Deluxe John Deere Lawnmaster and your choice of Guatemalan or Nicaraguan day laborers.

From there you can proceed to the 'Grass of the Future' exhibit which begins in the near distant future - 2016 - where grass has become enslaved by the soaring defecit and overly-burdensome tax code, not to mention Obamacare. Grass no longer has the will to grow and instead uses its fertilizer to get high and lay around until it collects its next stimulus check and gets AIDS to be cared for by the taxpayer. In 2020, grass rallies behind Sarah Palin's vision of America, and becomes re-energized by free market forces and is now taller, whiter, and blonder than ever. Grass lives happily ever after in gated communities for the next thousand years. In the year 3020 the Great Grass Wars between the gaseous grass from Neptune and the patriotic grass of Earth wipes out half of Earth's human population and nearly 30,000 blades of grass. In the year 911911 grass finally recovers from heartache. And finally in the year 10,000,000 the world as we know it no longer exists. The universe has expanded and retracted until it collapsed back into the single blade of grass that we all came from in the Big Bang.

After you have been electrified by the history - past - and future - of all things grass, you can visit our famous Grass Orchard where we have over 7 kinds of grass. There you will find regular grass, crab grass, blue grass, four kinds of invisible grass, and pure race grass - the grass for racists. You may notice that the latter populates most of the grounds of the park. That's right nigger, stay off the lawn.

If you are famished or parched, visit the Grass Orchard Cafe where we feature an entire menu made from grass. You can have your favorite cud sandwich, freshly chewn; un baguette du catalan made with grass flour and fertilizer; and for the vegetarian try our Peter The Great grass salad featuring three types of grass from the Former Yugoslavian Republic of Macedonia, ferungeek, and a delicate soy-sheep's-blood vinaigrette. Top it off with a grass flavored Diet Coke or Shasta!

At the end of your day of fun you have the exciting option of either accepting Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour or becoming a piece of lawn yourself by way of our Grassifying Modulater 5000, equipped with 5000 Japanese blades worthy of heathen pulverizing!

I'm sure after your visit to Great Grass America, you'll have been entertained, you'll know a little more about grass, and you'll know a whole lot more about love and/or being liquefied by a giant blender.