My Autumn Article

By Jake 

When I first heard that One Year in Texas was going to do an Autumn-themed week I spit coffee all over the place. I usually do not drink coffee and I thought it was rootbeer, and the bitter taste made me expell the hot liquid. I was actually solidly behind the theme week idea. My first thought was to write a letter to fall. That will really rile up the turkeys and squares, I thought. Seeing as turkeys and squares make up a large percentage of our audience I thought better of it.

So, here I am still at a loss. I'm supposed to write about autumn, but my seasonal depression is making it hard for me to completely concentrate. I'm too busy trying to learn how to tie a noose and remember which way you slit your wrist is it up or across? Okay, all suicide jokes aside, I am just having a hard time getting ahold of a solid autumn idea. Don't you think doing a week based on a season is a bit broad?

I guess I could write an article about what the season means to me, but it does not really hold any special meaning in my heart. I like it, I suppose, but it is far from my favorite. It is pretty cold after all. Although, it is aesthetically beautiful with the leaves changing colors and everything slowly decomposing in front of our bloodshot eyes. It is also sort of depressing since everything is dying and it reminds you that you too are going to die (as if everything doesn't remind you of that!).

Perhaps I could tell you a story about something that happened in the fall. I know Glenn really wanted me to write a story about when I was attending Southern Illinois University and my meathead roommate paid me $50 to write an English 101 paper for him and I misspelled his name and he got an 'F' and a few weeks later dropped out. I just feel like there isn't that much to tell. I basically did just tell the story. Plus, that really doesn't make me think of autumn, it makes me think of college, roommates, papers and money. I guess I need to hang onto it for a theme week about one of those four topics.

In theory, I could write an article about a holiday that takes place in this season. Yet, who wants to read an article about a holiday that is not currently being experienced? I probably wouldn't read it. Although, when Stephen suggested that this theme week should be Christmas week, I was completely on board with the idea. Thankfully, it was shot down. Could you imagine anybody reading articles about Christmas in September? Sure, the articles would have been funny (if you think this is funny, but I doubt you do).

So here comes the hard part: ending an article. How do you end an article that is forcefully meta/post-modern like this one? I guess I could just put "The End." and call it a day, but it just doesn't seem right. I only do that when I think it might get a laugh. I also do not think the last paragraph was enough to go out on since I mention Christmas. This is fall, I should have mentioned Halloween, Columbus Day or National Grandparents Day--should have but didn't. I guess I will just have to learn to live with it. How about: "Have a great autumn/fall!"? Seems pretty insincere to me since I don't care whether you live or die.