Mailbag Vol. 3 Issue 2

By Jake & Glenn 

We get letters, but not often! So it takes us a while to have enough to write a column responding to them. You want more mailbags, readers? Write more letters.

Dear One Year in Texas Writers,

You are the best writers on the planet! The way you all tell jokes and make insightful comments about the world we live in makes me feel like laughing. But instead I cry like the day I recently watched Toy Story 3 at a chain movie theatre. You see, the ending was very bittersweet, and that is the same way I feel any time I close my web browser and shut down my computer after reading your website. I just wanted you to know this.
Thank you for all you do.

I saw Toy Story 3 as well. Don't tell anybody, but it made me cry too. I would agree that the ending was sweet, but I'm not so sure about bitter. I have a suggestion for you, if you are having a hard time coping after you close your browser: do not close it. Just leave it open all day. Although, if you love OYIT so much, why don't you comment on the articles? We work hard on them to try and make you laugh and you won't even leave a comment that just says "funny" or "stupid?" Well, I think that is not at all funny and very stupid. Toy Story 3 was funny, though.

Glenn,
Why did you take over the celebrity news article? Did Jake get sued for posting too many pictures of Jennifer Aniston? What was up with that anyway? Is he obsessed or something? Also, which friend star do you think is having the best post-Friends career besides Aniston?
-tom316

Yes, Jake was sued personally instead of via our legally incorporated company "One Year in Texas." As part of the settlement, Jake is not allowed to use the internet (a la Kevin Mitnick, the famous internet hacker) and I have to write the entertainment article every week. Like any judgment from Puerto Rican legal system, everyone loses. I will write about Jennifer Anniston when she does something interesting, which hasn't happened in the last few months. The best post-Friends career is whoever played Joey. He was in a movie with a monkey where they both played baseball. Since it was a movie for families, it is de facto a great film that should make millions at the box office when it is "rebooted" by Rob Zombie next summer.

HI
WHERE IS THE ARTICLE ABOUT FISH PUNS I WAS LOOKING FOR IT CUZ I HAD BOOKMARKED IT B4 BUT NOW I CANT FIND IT WHERE THE FUCK IS IT

It is right here. I hope that you read our other articles, too. I'm not going to say that fish puns are not funny, but there are other things that are funny too, like kite puns. For instance:
Let me tell you a tail, but I don't want to be a drag. If you have somewhere to be I don't want to tether you down. I can even give you a lift.

Dear Jake and Glenn (and maybe Bub and maybe some others),
You are the most offensive people I have ever read in my life. I have been a proud card-carrying member of Concerned Women for America for over 25 years and your website is the most repulsive thing I have ever seen with the possible exception of a Church of Satan documentary on A&E that aired in the 1990's. I am going to write a formal protest letter to the FEC and ask that your website be removed and the URL subsequently forward people to www.christianwebsites.org, which is a great resource for Christian websites on the secular internet.

Sincerely,
Ramona Cousins

Go ahead and tell the FEC. They don't redirect to that christian website when I go to watch my favorite bondage videos. Why would they care if we had an article about Scott Baio or Sonia Sotomayor or referenced an all-but-forgotten minor tragedy? They wouldn't, because they are not fucking stupid like you. I would love for you to tell anybody about this website, even if you are telling people it's terrible. They say that any press is good press, and I agree. So write to your pastor, The Christian Science Monitor and God, as long as your getting the word out I consider you part of our street team.

Hey OYIT,
How are you doing? I'm doing pretty well. It's been a while since I last emailed you and you have not mailed me back. Are you mad at me? I thought we had a pretty good time. I mean, did I do something wrong? I thought I played it cool, but I guess I acted like a real square. Let me know what I did so I can fix it.
Bob Thompson

Dear lord, calm down Bob. Yes, you emailed us but we thought it was spam so we deleted it. What do you expect when your subject is "DO YOU HAVE A HARD DICK?" I know yours wasn't, but if it had been we would have been more inclined to open the email. You're an okay enough guy but your need to be liked comes off as desperate and almost insane. If I wake up to find a horse's (or really any animal's) head in my bed, I'm coming to your house first to let all of the air out of your children's tires. Thanks for reading!

Let me start this out by saying that John Candy is my all time favorite actor. That guy really cracks me up. He never played "the fat guy" like Chris Farley did. That isn't funny to me. What I find funny is a great actor, who may happen to be fat, delivering lines with the grace of a world class ballerina and selling jokes like a Hollywood Jew writer. Do you like John Candy and what do you find funny?
Pete

Dear Peter,
I couldn't agree with you more about John Candy. His fatness was incidental to his character. The only way it possibly affected him was causing a heart attack at age 43, but I don't want to rush to judgment. To answer your question, I like him and to answer your other question, I find morbidly obese people funny. When I watch specials on TLC about a 800 pound person who is so depressed it can't even leave its bedroom, I just laugh and laugh. I haven't laughed like that since you used the line "Hollywood Jew writer." I also find redundant statements funny.

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Thanks for "watching" this week and remember to email us with your questions.