Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue XX]

By Katy

Hi Katy,
I've been driving all night and I need to know what the best brand of energy drink is. I don't want one that is too sweet, since I'm a man--a straight man.
-All Night Energy Eric

Hi Eric,

The best brand of energy drink is no energy drink. They're horrible for you. Not only are they horrible for you, they taste freaking awful. I have been known on occasion to grab a Starbucks Doubleshot (mocha or vanilla flavor) if I need to be awake for 24+ hours, but I'm a bad example of how to live your life. I don't really see what happened to the classic style of guzzling eighty ounces of coffee when it's necessary to stay awake for long periods of time. Coffee is delicious, can be prepared many different ways, and boosts your metabolism (as long as you're not drinking eighty ounces on a daily basis).

If you're one of those people that thinks coffee is "digusting," "gross," or, "heavily chemically processed," then I have nothing for you. Blast your A/C, put on some heavy metal or techno, and say your prayers to the appropriate gods.

Hi Katy,
I love your column. Reading it is the only pleasure I get in life besides sex and all of the things I own that I like. Such as my Super Nintendo 64. I'm a real retro-loving guy lol. My question is about Super Nintendo. Where can I get good games for it now? Did you have any favorites from when you were a kid? Or did you play a sega? fuck sega genesis.
-Mario-Loving Mario

Hi Mario,

I agree whole-heartedly. Fuck Sega Genesis.

Where can you get good games for SNES. Well, that depends what you want. If you're looking for the more generic games, Super Mario All-Stars, Ken Griffey Jr Major League Baseball, Frogger, NBA Jam, and so forth, you can get those pretty easily and cheaply at a used video game store or on Ebay. If you're trying to find the rarer RPGs, such Secret of Mana, various Final Fantasys (other than Mystic Quest, which doesn't really count but is easily found anywhere they sell SNES games), or EarthBound, you're going to have to hit up Ebay. They get pretty expensive. You could try Craigslist, but it's a rarity to find SNES games listed. Every now and then if you stop in at a pawn shop you can stumble across a few gems that were sold by and to people who have too little video game knowledge to realize the worth they're holding. I know someone who bought EarthBound at a Mr. Money for one dollar.

As for my favorites, I grew up playing Illusion of Gaia, AKA, the best game ever. Countless hours of my childhood were spent sitting in front of the television and leading Will and his friends on the quest of their lives through lost civilizations. I have since played it many, many more times, and now time myself to see how fast I can beat the entire game in one sitting. Solid Arm included.

Other favorites include Donkey Kong Country (the original), Mario Kart, EarthBound, Mother, Soulblazer (the prequel to Illusion of Gaia of which I have finally obtained a cartridge for), Super Mario World, Brain Lord, the first two minutes of Out of this World (because I couldn't get any further as an incompetent 9-year-old), and the ever unbeatable unless you have a thousand hours to sit down and beat the entire game... Jurassic Park. I have yet to do this, but I will before this year is up. My promise to you, Mario.

I hope this helped. Thank you for your question.

hi,
its kitten again. lol sooo i think sum1 is gonna ask me 2 a dance comin ^. im not sure if i wanna go wit him tho. wht should i do if he asks say yes or say no. ashlee is goin wit rico btw even tho i sat by him every day in english last year.
kitten

Hi kitten,

Psh. Rico is a total fucktard. Ashlee will be hiding in the bathroom twenty minutes into that dance, you wait and see. You dodged a methaphorical bullet on that one.

Here's what you need to do kitten. Whenever this boy, let's call him Fredrick; whenever Fredrick gets around to asking you to the dance you can:

A.) Say Yes. If you like him, you'll say yes and you can have a wonderful time looking at each other awkwardly while your friends push you closer together as you dance. It'll become one of your fondest memories of childhood down the road.

B.) Say Yes. If you don't like him, you don't want to hurt his feelings. He may retaliate in ways that could destroy your reputation for the rest of your school career. As someone who managed to this to herself, this is the best advice I can give you. Don't eff up. Now, since you're going to be spending the evening with someone you may or may not like that much, you may ignore him completely at the dance and opt to dance with other boys instead. Or, just hang out in a gaggle around your friends. I'd like to think you're young enough that this is still acceptable behavior.

C.) Go stag. Don't go stag, you'll look desperate and sad. Just say yes, grin, and bear it.

I hope you make memories, kitten.