Ghoulies go to College: A Recap

By Jake 

The film opens 21 years ago at Glazier College. A Harry Potter-style nerd (maybe JK Rowling's inspiration for the beloved wizard?) conjurs up a trio of wise-cracking ghoulies out of a toilet using a Ghoulish Tales comic book. Just as quickly he sends them back to hell--or the sewer--and he is also sent there.

Now we move ahead 21 years. This is not the story of Jesus Christ, you cannot just jump ahead 20 years! Wes finds the comic book while taking a college-sized shit. He mistakenly almost conjurs up the ghoulies. Outside, Skip, a prankster frat jerk--a sub-Andrew McCarthy type--makes a guy get sprayed in the crotch by a water fountain. He gets his comeuppance quickly via a water balloon to dean Ragnar's head which is blamed on him, although the rival frat tossed it. Then there is some beatboxing and frat/nerd singing. So far this is the best Ghoulies movie.

The night before Skip had broken a date with his best girl, Erin, in order to do some elaborate pranking. When will Skip learn that you never put pranks before pussy? In fact, that is the moral of this ghoulish tale.

In class: a crusty old humanities professor/dean drones on. Wes is making out with his "old lady." That is until the professor confronts him. Wes stops making out and begins to read the classic issue of Ghoulish Tales featuring the ghoulies conjurring spell. Then the teacher grabs the comic and reads the spell out loud further bringing the ghoulies up from the toilet.

As the professor/dean is grading papers in pencil(!?!?) he reaches over to the comic book. It is very intriguing to him, I guess. In fact, he decides to cross reference it with other mythology books.

Meanwhile, a drunken frat party featuring a plethora of dick jokes is happening. In fact, Erin walks in on Skip while he is attempting to remove a trophy buck's head from a topless girl's head. Then Erin leaves with a douchebag, Jeremy, on a Vespa. One douche for another, as the old saying goes.

20 minutes in and the ghoulies have not left the shitter. Still, it's 100% more ghoulies than the original production. Just as I finish typing that sentence, the dean of students decides to purposefully conjur up the ghoulies. This movie has so much conjurring of ghoulies that I can hardly stand it. How many times do you have to conjur them up before they leave the toilet? The first ghoulie propels out of the toilet, then turns toward the camera and exclaims: "What a dump!" The other two follow suit. Then they watch Wes and a girl, Veronica, make beautiful love on a stationary bicycle.

Wes hears a noise. He goes to the bathroom and runs into the ghoulies. Then they flush him down the toilet. Trust me, that deserves to be bold. Veronica patiently uses a rowing machine while waiting for Wes to come back.

With Wes out of the way, the ghoulies raid the pantry. They eat all of the cheese curls. When they open the fridge they are floored. It is stocked with awful light beer! That is what ghoulies drink! The Moe of the ghoulies' Three Stooges--the leader--grabs one from the bottom and the beers tumble out of the fridge. Then they drink them, obviously.

The Thetas (the good frat) blame the Gammas (the evil frat) for the mess the ghoulies left behind. This prank week just got interesting.

Ragnar calls upon the ghoulies. He wants the ghoulies to win the prank war. That is exactly what they were trying to do and they are still pissed about the order. I guess ghoulies do not like to be told what to do.

Skip makes a date with Erin, the ghoulies are on a rampage and the Gammas are pissed because the ghoulies stole their pranking crown. The dean lords the book over the ghoulies and they say that he is "full of dingleberries." Oh ghoulies... Also Marcia Wallace (Ms. Krabapple's voice in The Simpsons, Bob Newhart Show) is in this movie, but the ghoulies kill her by strangling her with her own tongue.

The big panty raid is happening. Veronica says she has a date, then heads to her room to strip tease for nobody. The ghoulies watch. Why are the ghoulies attracted to human women? Meanwhile, the Thetas are caught while raiding panties and are hit with pillows. Their pants are stolen. The ghoulies kill Veronica while she showers with a plunger. Why? I have no idea. I guess to drive up the body count. They were basically just beating off to her a few minutes ago. The actions of the ghoulies are hard to understand, but I'm sure they have their reasons. Never question a ghoulie, as the saying goes.

Erin breaks her date with Skip due to the panty raid even though he did not even go on it. Erin sucks, but at least she is pretty.

Skip declares his pranking days are over during humanities class. As the words are escaping from his mouth, Ragnar's desk falls apart. He expells Skip, but Skip promises he will find out what is going on and that nobody will deny him his future. The Thetas march out of class and head back home. Then they desert Skip because he would rather have Erin, a pretty woman, rather than a tinfoil crown.

Ragnar is fucking crazy. His level of insanity is something to behold. He orders the ghoulies to kill Skip. Meanwhile, Erin overhears Jeremy bragging about what happened to Skip and Erin pours hot soup down his pants. Then Jeremy declares that Skip is toast.

Skip and Erin make love and use a dustbuster as a sex toy.

The Gammas try to blow Skip up with a bomb. A fucking bomb! A large black sphere with a wick! This is some Spy vs. Spy shit. This shit would even seem extreme at Virginia Tech. The ghoulies thwart their plan and blow up a campus cop's car.

Erin and Skip find Marcia Wallace dead in a mummy's coffin. They run...right into Jeremy and his frat bros. They restrain Skip and Erin. Erin breaks free while Jeremy and his "butt buddies" (Skip's words, not mine, although they would be if I had thought of them first) pepper Skip with punches to the gut.

Ragnar discovers Erin in his office trying to call the cops on him. He sicks the ghoulies on her. Skip breaks free when he is empowered by her screams coupled with Jeremy declaring that saving "the bitch ain't worth it."

Ragnar and the ghoulies have Erin tied up to a table. Skip busts through a door and discovers the odd scene. Skip squirts the ghoulies with goofy glue, rendering them useless. He lays waste to Ragnar and barely manages to rescue Erin before a chandelier falls on her. Skip grabs ahold of the comic and tells the ghoulies to get Ragnar. They do, turning him into a putrid pile of bubbling yellow pus, which is not too out of the ordinary for a dean of students.

Just when we think it is over, Jeremy confronts Skip again and Ragnar is back from the dead as some kind of fucked up uber ghoulie. Ragnar corners Skip and Erin, but when all hope seems lost, Skip decides to flush the comic book down the toilet, which obviously kills Ragnar and shoots a jet of flames from the comode.

The Thetas have recovered the crown and all is now well at Glazier college. So they do what every college student does after defeating toilet monsters, the dean of students and Jeremy--they party!!!

The End.

My Thoughts: The best of the Ghoulies movie, which is not really saying all that much. It is more of a college comedy than a horror movie. Only a few people died. More people died in Columbine!