KTz Movie Preview Reviewz [August 20, 2010]

By Katy 




Prepare yourself for one of my longest movie review articles to date. It's sweeps weekend at the theatre!

Lottery Ticket (Rated PG-13 for the sheer societal strain of opening your eyes to life. Life on the street).

My Synopsis: Bow Wow (formally Little Bow Wow of Little Bow Wow fame) stars in this delightful hollywood romp about a young man named Kevin Carson who wins the lottery. He wins $370 million to be more specific, but due to a three-day weekend, he has to dodge neighbors, friends, and local vagrants before he can cash in and be a true Lord of the Ghetto. Oh, did I forget to mention that? Kevin is from the projects. Therefore, the needs of his brethern are greater and more immediate than if this took place in Naperville, IL. Come and enjoy mocking the pain and misery of the poor and underprivelaged everywhere.

My Take: The very fact that this movie stars a kid whose net worth was already in the millions by his teens is enough to leave me feeling broken and alone. If Ice Cube wasn't in this movie, I wouldn't even offer it a second glance. However, Ice Cube is in this movie and other than the second glance I'm offering it to give you my take on it, I don't care for this one bit. First of all, I refuse to pay my local theatre's ticket price of $9.75 to see almost anything, even movies I actually might enjoy. If I can't afford $10 for entertainment once a month, why would I want to watch someone happen into $370 mil? The answers is: I don't. Second, I don't care to watch a bunch of people wish they also had $370 million dollars. Third, I wish I had $370 million dollars, or at least $10 to go see a decent movie.

Nanny McPhee Returns (Rated PG for glorifying magic; the devil's way in).

My Synopsis: Nanny McPhee is pretty much the new-aged Mary Poppins, but she uses her magic far more often and it's more physical and straight-forward than the slight charms and tricks of her former. While Nanny McPhee previously tackled the Brown family, she now moves on to the Green family, mothered by Isabel (Maggie Gyllenhaal). With her husband off to war, Isabel is left to tend the family farm and given woman's inability to tackle work AND raise a family, Nanny McPhee steps in to whip those children into shape.

My Take: I think I caught a few bits and pieces of the original Nanny McPhee on ABC Family one night, but I barely remember anything about it other than I think she starts off super hideous and becomes prettier as the children learn from her? So, it's basically an excellent metaphor for life. I like Maggie Gyllenhaal and Emma Thompson quite a bit, but I think this movie is twelve years too late for my enjoyment.

Piranha 3-D (Rated R for unpleasant fish violence).

My Synopsis: I was hoping this was a remake of the 1978 Piranha, a movie I became fascinated with after finding it on IMDB two minutes ago. Unfortunately, it seems to follow the exact same concept (pirahna's tearin fools UP) but at Lake Victoria rather than Lost River Lake. The "pirahnas" in the movie are referred to in the IMDB synopsis as "prehistoric monsters," so more aptly, these are megapirahnas, an extinct breed once found in Argentina (according to Wiki). People done get eaten.

My Take: Alexandre Aja directs this movie, the same gentlemen whose brillance fueled the thriller The Hills Have Eyes. Therefore, the only conclusion I can surely make about this movie is that megapirahnas are continuously raping teenaged girls...in 3D. The film also stars Richard Dreyfuss and Christopher Lloyd (who isn't dead yet!) so while the acting may be tolerable, I cannot abide the rape of my mind by archaic fish.

The Switch (Rated PG-13 for crimes against God and mankind by exploiting unnatural insemination).

My Synopsis: Kassie (Jennifer Aniston) and Wally (Jason Bateman) are two good friends who share laughter, joy, and an accidental baby. Scratch that. The baby isn't accidental... completely. Perhaps I should start again. Kassie is a single woman whose biological clock has ticked past noon. She finds a sperm donor and via the classy use of a turkey baster, prepares to impregnante herself. But whoops! Due to a drunken, fluke of a disaster, I BELIEVE Wally spills sperm all over the bathroom and rather than scoop it all back up, he refills the jar himself. The two must deal with this misconceieved chid seven years later when Wally finally comes clean and apologizes for the neurotic mess of a kid he left with Kassie.

My Take: Apparently, this is partially adapted from a short story Jeffrey Eugenides wrote? Eugenides is, of course, the author behind best-selling novels The Virgin Suicides and Middlesex, both dealing with fairly effed up children. Eugenides connection with the movie is the only thing I can see that gives it some merit, otherwise, I am completely uninterested.

Vampires Suck (Rated PG-13 for being awful, but also for "teen partying" which I find amusing).

My Synopsis: This is another spoof "comedy" from Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the jerks that did all those Scary Movies and Date Movie and everything else that's wrong with the world. It revolves around the Twilight Saga and focuses on being uninteresting and unoriginal; popular movie with some added popular music and popular fads and fart noises. The perfect formula for a blockbuster hit. You're pathetic, America.

My Turn I'm clearly no giant fan of the Twilight movies, but that doesn't justify the destruction of parady and satire that Friedberg and Seltzer keep raining on the world. It's like when Alanis Morisette marred my generation's ability to understand what "irony" truly is. Vampires Suck is the black fly in my Chardonnay.

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Eclipse review will be posted this week! It's all for you, Maddie, kitten, and Ashlee!