Good Morning Welfare Island

By Glenn 

Good morning. Did you know there is an island in New York that is tiny but full of wondrous beauty and some of the wealthiest people in the world? No I'm not talking about Manhattan; I'm talking about Roosevelt Island!


No one has ever been able to figure out how Roosevelt Island got there or why it continues to exist, but I can say first hand that people live there. I've seen them. They're like a combination of the Morlocks from The Time Machine and C.H.U.D. from C.H.U.D.


Today's Weather
Today on Roosevelt Island there will be a high of 94 degrees with a 30 percent chance of precipitation and a 10-15% chance of the entire island being submerged due to rising seawater levels. There isn't a very big margin of error. Roosevelt Island is unique as the only island in the world that doesn't support any life form other than humans (or what we consider by New York standards to be human). The climate is too unstable and there isn't enough space for animals to spread out and enjoy themselves. Thankfully people don't need the same accommodations.


Today's History Lesson
Roosevelt Island was purchased by Dutch Governor Wouter Van Twiller (pictured here) in 1637. The Canarsie Indians sold it to him in preparation for the 17th century equivalent of a credit default swap. However, when the English defeated the Dutch in the 100 Years War, Captain John Manning and later his son-in-law Robert Blackwell take ownership of the island. They manage the island well, treating it much in the same way King Leopold did the Belgian Congo. Finally on July 18, 1826, the City of New York buys Blackwell's Island for $32,500 as a location for charitable and corrective institutions - many of which were looted during the draft riots of the 1860's. Ring a bell to anyone? We're more like Iraqis every day.


Today's Prediction
Roosevelt Island will be the site of the 2020 Summer Olympics, but in preparation all of the existing buildings, monuments and landfills will have to be torn down and replaced with stadiums and dormitories with weak enough security that they can be overrun by Palestinian nationals. Right before this massive construction projects gets underway, a lawyer representing the Canarsie Indians will show up and try to lay claim to the island for their wayward tribe. Mayor Bloomberg, in his 6th term, will give an impassioned speech about religious freedom and instead of a stadium they will turn Roosevelt Island into what it originally was: a large mosque.