20 Things I'd Rather Do Than See Yogi Bear 3D

By Glenn 

It's been a while since we really skewered a mainstream movie. The way we do that is by listing 20 things we'd rather do than see the movie, to illustrate just how much we don't want to see it. Usually Maddie writes these and indeed she has popularized the fad. Now everywhere there are teenage girls writing about 20 things they'd rather do than homework, or 20 things they'd rather do than communicate in proper English. But since she really wants to see the new film Yogi Bear 3D, I step in to explain why how much I don't.

Please watch the trailer, which is introduced by the human being who used to be known as Dan Aykroyd:



20 Things I'd Rather Do Than See Yogi Bear 3D:

1. Pack up and move apartments in a major urban area every week for a year.
   
2. Drive around and look for a parking spot during the New York City West Indian Parade, Puerto Rican parade or Gay Pride festival.
   
3. Be a professional blogger for AIPAC.
   
4. Write an academic paper discussing the movie the Expendables and what it says about military contracting.
   
5. Attempt to mediate an argument between two mentally unstable homeless people.
   
6. Have my alarm clock be an extremely loud, 15 minute remix of "Milkshake" by Kellis, with no snooze option.
   
7. Be responsible for administering President Obama's deportation program.
   
8. Lead a month-long protest against the "Ground Zero" mosque without making any appeals to bigotry.
   
9. Testify against Naomi Campbell and in favor of Charles Taylor at the Hague.
   
10. Watch only family movies and romantic comedies because movies for adults are "too depressing."
    
11. Spend even one more minute of my time following and caring about Lost.
    
12. Help my parents set up Facebook accounts.
    
13. Create a Google alert for "Obama socialism."
    
14. Switch to using crayons instead of pens.
    
15. Clerk for Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia.
    
16. Live my life like I'm a character on Entourage (more than I already do).
    
17. Stop using email or texts and only call people any time I want something.
    
18. Become a full-time volunteer recruiter for the Linda McMahon for US Senate campaign.
    
19. Dress in a bear suit and continue murdering people in the forests of the Northeastern United States.
    
20. Live the rest of my life without the ability to use hyperbole.