Retro Debate: Is Poison Ivy 2 Worth Watching?

By Jake & Glenn

Poison Ivy 2 is one of the most discussed movies in cinematic history. What was once a movie you'd give no consideration to while flipping through your cable tv channels late at night is now a topic of many watercooler conversations. In this debate we will try to settle once and for all if Poison Ivy 2 is worth watching, but something tells me that we'll never have the real answer.

Jake (Pro): I'm can see both sides of the issue on this particular point. On one hand, Poison Ivy was pretty terrible. On the other, we have a completely different movie, featuring different actors and a plot that differs itself enough from the original, while still maintaining the same spirit. Regardless of that, the main attraction to watching this movie would have to be the promise of seeing Alyssa Milano nude. So the real question is it worth watching an entire movie to see Alyssa Milano (possibly) nude? Now, before I argue toward seeing this movie, I would like to say that I do not know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is nudity from Ms. Milano, it's purely speculation. I would say that there is enough intrigue in seeing Alyssa nude that I would watch this if the opportunity presented itself.

Glenn (Con): Any good debate will have an air of uncertainty to it, and watching Poison Ivy 2 is no different. It might be more entertaining for me to storm on here and scream "The first poison Ivy was shit, Alyssa Milano is no great treasure and you don't even know if she's naked in this movie!" But that would be too easy and it wouldn't address the grave nature of this discussion. The decision whether to watch Poison Ivy 2 is important, not just because of the roughly two hours it takes to watch the film but rather for what it says about the human condition. All of us - man, women, child, beast, inanimate object - want to see human breasts, usually as they are found on a female. But is Alyssa Milano the right female, and does giving into these carnal urges in the form of watching Poison Ivy 2 absolve us of our cinematic responsibility to not enable garbage? I argue that she is not, and that we should not give into our carnal urges in such a form.

Jake (Pro): Ever since Alyssa Milano was in Who's the Boss? the children and teens of America have had an overwhelming urge to see her bare chest. While we don't know for sure whether or not she does give us a glimpse upon them, we do know that she has displayed them due to her suing of the internet. All we need to do is put the pieces together to come upon the theory that her bosoms will be exposed. There's the trial and the IMDB review of Poison Ivy 2 that says how the unrated version has a lot of nudity. Put those two things together and we can come to the assumption that her T's our out in Poison Ivy 2. Then we can take into account that Poison Ivy's problems come from not only the poor script, but the terrible acting of Sara Gilbert and Drew Barrymore. True, the original Poison Ivy is garbage, so the sequel has a great chance at being similarly trashy crap, but it has a fair chance, due to the different characters, cast and writers, to not be quite as bad. Let's give PI2 a chance!

Glenn (Con): It's hard for me to give PI2 a chance when PI1 was so bad. Granted, Drew Barrymore was filmed topless to some extent in that movie, but the poor writing sabotaged Sara Gilbert's chances to break out with that role. It was not - I repeat NOT - Sara's fault that the movie was so bad or even that her performance was so disheartening. In fact, she was nominated for an Independent Spirit Award for her work in the film. Sorry to get on a Sara Gilbert tangent, but I used to have a big crush on the character "Darlene Conner" from Roseanne. I never had a crush on Alyssa Milano's character "Sam" in Who's the Boss? because she wasn't a vegetarian or sarcastic. If you told me that Poison Ivy 2 had a possible nude scene with Sara Gilbert, I would suggest watching it though I would never want her to know that was why. I respect her too much as a person. Alyssa Milano is no Sara Gilbert.

Jake (Pro): Alyssa Milano is greater than Sara Gilbert in many different ways. The most obvious way is that her career hasn't tapered off the way Gilbert's has. Sara Gilbert has not been in anything memorable since Rosanne, while Alyssa Milano was on Charmed and in Poison Ivy 2 since her glory days of Who's the Boss? Now I'm not putting Sara down, I'm merely stating a fact. This fact does not make PI2 more or less watchable. We should probably discuss the plot of PI2 vs. that of PI1. Poison Ivy is about an outcast, lesbian teen whose family adopts a sexy teen (Drew Barrymore). The mother of the family is sickly and can't have sex with her husband. Barrymore, who Gilbert has a crush on, seduces the husband/Gilbert's father. While that plot sounds good for an erotic thriller, it doesn't blossom into anything worth watching. Poison Ivy 2 is not about teens, but college aged students. Alyssa Milano plays Lily, who has just moved from Michigan to California to go to school. She finds a box under her bed that contains nude pictures and the diary of a woman who used to live there but is now dead. The woman becomes a role model to Lily, and Lily begins to date a man, while her art instructor becomes obsessed with her. Now that sounds like a great erotic thriller. I've watched erotic thrillers starring Shannon Tweed, and Alyssa Milano is much better than Tweed.

Glenn (Con): Now that you've told me more about the plot I think I'm even more against people seeing PI2. I thought this debate was going to be a lot more about Alyssa Milano and the relative merit of seeing her half nude, but now we have to discuss the themes of a film we've never seen. I don't understand what you've described as the plot for Poison Ivy 2, or at least why a regular, low IQ moviegoer would enjoy it. I'm not making the case that PI1 is some great film with enough erotica to satiate the most avid moviegoer. I'm just saying that PI2 has a nonsensical plot, a grade B actress and less than a 100% chance of nudity. Speaking of careers, I would not hold up Charmed as a comparative example of Milano's career success. Sara Gilbert was in a show about the Big Bang Theory that is a sitcom on CBS. CBS is the most popular network, and thus she is the most popular actress on television. That's nothing to laugh at, unless you're watching the actual sitcom, which I'm sure is full of laughs.

Jake (Pro): I am no more aware of Sara Gilbert's career than I am a bullfight that just happened in Mexico last Wednesday. All I know is that Alyssa Milano is attractive, a decent actress and probably has nice breasts. If it were a crime to watch shitty b-movies that promise breasts then you better lock me up. I will personally watch any movie with the word 'bikini' in the title. I think that perhaps Glenn and I look for different things in movies. For instance, I doubt Glenn would watch Machine Girl, the Japanese movie about a girl who loses her hand after her brother is murdered, only to replace that arm with a gun and kill a bunch of people in very bloody ways. That is not entirely relevant, but the point remains that Glenn and I do not have entirely the same taste in movies, although we have a 67% compatibility on Netflix.

Glenn (Con): I guess in the end it does come down to what kind of movies you're willing to watch for the possibility of seeing naked female breasts. I don't mean to hold myself as better than anyone; I admit I've never seen a woman naked and the movies I see with naked women are the only romantic experience I've had. In fact, I caught a part of Lethal Weapon 2 on TBS recently and was upset as I realized the nude scene could never be shown on basic cable. What separates me from Jake is that I stopped watching it, and I wouldn't have started again even if it was Alysa Milano nude instead of Patsy Kensit. I will never watch Poison Ivy 2, even if we find out for sure that Alyssa Milano is nude. I will however continue to follow Sara Gilbert around Los Angeles until she acknowledges that I am perfect for her.