Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue XVI]

By Katy

HI Katy,
I have some money and I am looking to make a deposit. Years ago I opened a new checking account with a friend - he got $25 and I got $25. That's a pretty good deal right? I want to open a checking account but I don't know where to do it! How can we even trust banks at this point? Maybe I just bury my money in my crawlspace with my wife.
Sincerely,
Jubilant John

Hi John,

You're absolutely right, John, on every point you just made. We CAN'T trust banks anymore because all banks are ran by Jews and Hebrew-loving Nazis; two of the least trust-worthy cultures on the planet (right behind the Bulgarians). You were particularly on track with your crawlspace idea. Money is not only safest hidden behind the poorly hidden boards of a crawlspace, but cash money can literally duplicate itself overnight in the perfectly tempered climate of this small enclosure.

Now, you have a problem. You mentioned your rotting wife will be sharing this hole with your money? This could be a good or bad thing. Good, because if your wife has been slowing decomposing for ten plus years, this will fertilize the entire money duplicating process and you could find yourself tripling or quadrupling your yield. If she's been dead for less than ten years, then that will cause a giant issue. Freshly dead people (ten years or less) work like salt-water on plants and severely reduces the interest created by the magical process of money growth. But it's okay. What you can do is put a kiddie pool in the crawl space and fill it was water and orange Jell-o. This will speed up the decomposing process, get your money back to its proper duplication ratio, and ad the fresh scent of lemon to cover up the vomit-inducing smell of decomp.

Good luck, John.

HI KATY,
I AM REALLY PISSED OFF THAT LEBRON JAMES SIGNED WITH THE MIAMI HEAT. I AM A CLEVELAND CAVALIERS FAN AND HAVE BEEN FOR OVER 30 YEARS. THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT!!! HE TURNS HIS BACK ON US AND I WILL NEVER FUCKING FORGET IT. I HOPE HE ENJOYS BEING AROUND ALL THOSE OLD JEWS. MY QUESTION FOR YOU IS WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO FIND LEBRON JAMES AND HURT HIM?
-ANGRY ANDY

Hi Andy,

I'm not at all angry about this. I'm so not angry about this, that reading this was like a joke that made me giggle. It made me giggle because I don't give a shit about this so much that I had to ask my brother why the hell this mattered. I didn't even listen to my brother's response because I give such the lack of shit about this. In fact, I'm not sure I know what a Lebron James is. I'm going to guess it's something like Ed Hardy or York Mint which I'm pretty sure represents some sort of squirrel taxidermy factory to which I say, I'm pretty cool with that moving to Miami. Chill out, man, you should be too.

Hi Katy,
I just got a haircut and I hate it. There's so many layers! Should I wait for it to grow out or just shave it bald and start over?
-Haircut Haley

I love super-layered haircuts so I don't really get your problem. I don't really see why shaving it off or leaving it are your only two choices. If you think you have too many layers, then you should just shave off some of the layers. You could look like this:



And why wouldn't you want to look like that? If you don't look that awesome, then your bald alternative is to look this awesome:



And that makes me want to track you down and stomp on the tiny little fingers of your unborn children. Don't be fucking stupid. I think you see my point.

Hi Katy,
What's your favorite TV show? I need some recommendations as I mostly just watch Webster reruns.
-(Channel) Surfing Sarah

Hi Sarah,

Almost all of my favorite television shows are no longer running on air, and most aren't even running in syndication, so I can't enjoy my equivalent of your Webster. What I can do is suggest a number of television shows that will never, ever go off the air, thus saving you the trouble of getting SUPER into a show just to be sorely disappointed when it leaves you in shambles and ends with everyone fucking dying even thought the writers swore they were going to come up with something more original but didn't and now you hate that you wasted six fucking seasons on that show just to be furious and angry in every ounce of your being. These shows are:

• Real World
• Basketball (the game, not the show. It's a sport)
• Judge Judy
• American Idol
• The Simpsons
• Southpark
  
• Meet The Press
• Power Rangers
• Cheaters
• Charlie Rose

It should be noted that I wouldn't recommend you watch any of these shows even though they are sure not to be canceled. Any that aren't Judge Judy, that is. That's right. That means I don't like The Simpsons. Want to judge me? I don't really give a shit. Go watch your Webster re-runs and continue contributing nothing to society while it rests on my shoulders to keep the world well informed and advised while they watch Season 63 of The Power Rangers do American Idol. You guys are jerks.



/Have a lovely weekend everyone :)
//emoticon smiley face.