Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue XV]

By Katy 

Hi Katy,
My name is Theodore. I recently moved to New York City because I felt like this world owes me something and I wanted to cash in on it. I figure even though tens of thousands of young people move to New York every day, I have a right to be successful and happy here. My parents say I am off base and that I should stay home on the farm or at least get a mid-level management job somewhere in the Mid-South. I also am in a wheelchair. Please tell me what I should do, or at least validate my life choice.
Lost in New York,
Theodore

Hi Theodore,

This is quite an apt time to bring this up, Theodore. See, I have a friend who is embarking on his very own journey Eastward in the next week or so. To say goodbye, we rented a flock of movies about people, such as yourself (but able-bodied), who took that great leap of faith to the world of the "Big Apple." Among these flicks were Coming to America, An American Tail, Babe II: Pig In The Big City, Mary Kate & Ashley: New York Minute, etc. I looked everywhere for The Muppets Do Manhattan. Like, everywhere. I went to Family Video and when I found out they didn't have it I had them call two other Family Videos and my boyfriend checked Blockbuster and I mean we got nothin'. You really don't know how difficult life is until you're running (errr, rolling I guess) around a simple Midwestern city trying to find what could possibly be the one film to properly guide our young friend and prepare him for the excitements and dangers of the new city... and coming up completely empty handed.

Basically, what I'm saying is you'll have to rent The Muppets Take Manhattan to get the real answer to your question.

hi kati,
its kitten again lol. where ubeen. i wrote u a letter n u ddint answer it. i got grounded 4 fucking 2 weeks bc i got caught w a sig i was smokin. is smokin bad or should i keep doin it n not tell my rents lol. do u smoke do u like it.
kitten

Hi Kitten,

Oh, Kitten. I see so much of a younger me in you. I, too, was grounded several times when I was caught smoking by my parents. Of course, I was smoking menthol cigarettes so it made like TONS more sense since they pretty much break into your lungs, rape your livelihood, and leave you with broken dreams.

Let me ask you this:

Why are you smoking, Kitten?

Is it cool? Does it help you "fit in?" Is this because I asked you nicely to abstain from sexual intercourse and you need some new "bad girl" image to cling to? Did someone call you a yellow-belied chicken? Because you can go ahead and punch them right in the face, Kitten. Don't you let other kids or adults make you feel more inferior than you yourself make you feel. Read that a few times, it made sense.

Smoking is bad for you, but I can't imagine you haven't already learned that from D.A.R.E, health class, television ads, radio ads, magazine ads, government officials, the sides of cartons, cases, and boxes of cigarettes, your parents, your pastor, your neighbor, bloggers of the Internets, the goody-goodies at school, your teachers, the principal, assemblies, the lifeguards at your local pool, the cross-walk guards, police officers driving around yelling through their megaphones, mall Santa, mall Easter bunny, mall elves, people that work at the Buckle, billboards, bus ads, bench ads, Disney shows, Nickelodeon shows, Spike TV, Degrassi, your older siblings, your dying grandmother, your dead grandmother, your cigar-toting grandfather, your step-dad, half-dad, ex-dad, birth-dad, adoptive-dad, and Saturday morning cartoons. So I'm not sure why you're asking me.

Finally. I do smoke. And I love it.

Hi Katy,
I slammed my car door while the window was down and now it won't roll up. I'm about to move and can't afford an expensive repair. What should I do?
-AutoMovebile

Hi AutoMovebile,

Lucky for me, I've never been in this particular situation, Auto. Unlucky for you, you are. So, my best source of information would be to walk about into the parking lot behind my apartment complex to let you in on the secrest of my most innovative neighbors when they suffer from this very same problem.

Step 1: Get a baseball bat.
Step 2: Stand near the inept car window
Step 3: Beat the shit out of that window with your baseball bat
Step 4: Find a spare bit of cardboard that's relatively the size of your window, but a little too small.
Step 5: Duct tape the cardboard to the empty window slot, thus making yourself a new cardboard window.

NOW, you are free to remove and replace your new cardboard window whenever you like! Now that's as far as my neighbors seem to go in this scheme, but I'd like to add on to this idea.

Step 6 (optional): Acquire a permanent marker
Step 7 (optional): Draw silouhette of yourself (as if you were driving) into the cardboard (hint: this will trick the police into thinking your cardboard window is an actual clear, glass window, thus saving you from getting pulled over for obstructing your view).

Step 8 (manditory): Enjoy being awesome.