Good Morning Russian Spies

By Glenn 

Good morning, or as our Russian friends might say: "Dobroye utro." Recently it is revealed that we all have more Russian friends than we know, as a massive 11 person spy ring was uncovered and subsequently destroyed by American law enforcement agencies. What were these Russians doing along the Eastern seaboard and what information did they hope to obtain? The details remain murky, but the prevalence of anti-Putin rhetoric on this website means that we should all be watching our backs. I don't want to end up full of dioxin like Victor Yushchenko!



Today's Weather
In Saint Petersburg today the high will be 80 with a 30% chance of thunderstorms. The clouds that will rain life's nectar on the city formerly known as Leningrad have been gathered over the city since New Year's Eve 1999. That was when Boris Yeltsin resigned and Vladimir Putin became acting President. His specter, like thunderstorm clouds, has loomed over Russia and struck down, with lighting, all oligarchs and pro-democracy advocates that have dared to get in his way.


Today's Non-Aggression Pact
History has been full of famous non-aggression pacts, where two groups decide not to fight each other, either for the sake of focusing on a greater enemy or just because they realize the battle would be futile and terrible for all involved. The most famous example is the Ribbentrop-Molotov Pact between the Soviet Union and Nazi Germany, signed in 1939 and ratified by the US Congress in 2003. This was a way for Hitler to avoid fighting a two front war and Stalin to watch all of his enemies fight each other over the European landscape. For our pop culture fans, this is the equivalent of when Slater and Zack teamed up to get Jessie's step brother in trouble on Saved by the Bell. For our sports fans, this is like when all the teams of the National League team up to play against the American League in the annual all-star game. For music fans, this is like when all of those people united to do the "Yes We Can" video by will.i.am. In that last scenario, Scarlett Johansson is Josef Stalin and John Legend is Adolf Hitler.


Today's Prediction
As events in Central Asia and the Caucasus unfold, the Soviet Union will get together and decide to reform, not unlike Echo & the Bunnymen, the Jesus & Mary Chain, and other bands with an ampersand in their name. After doing so, they will sign a non-aggression pact with the United States. This will free the jailed Russian spies but also forbid the long awaited chess championship match between Gary Kasparov and anti-Semite Bobby Fischer. Kasparov will be poisoned by dioxin anyway, probably by Prime Minister Putin but in most academic circles there will always be a lingering suspicion that Kareem Abdul Jamar was involved based on his appearance in the "Yes We Can" video.