Bub's Public Joke File - World Cup Edition

By Bub 

An old English lady was visiting Russia. She went to a market and asked a young man for help. He spoke English, but very broken. She asked where she could find some biscuits, and he thought for a moment and then he pointed at a fruit stand.

"No, no, biscuits, you see, BISCUITS." She made a motion demonstrating the dunking of a biscuit in tea.

"OH, BIScuit," said the man, and he pointed to a biscuiteer's stand.

"Thank you, and where would I find some tea?" She asked.

"Tea? There." The man said and pointed at the fruit stand again.

"No, TEA", the lady said and made the same motion emphasizing the cup this time.

"OH, TEA, sure," he said and pointed toward a tea stand.

"Oh thank you so much. You wouldn't happen to have the time would you?"

The man screwed up his face in confusion.

"Time, TIME!" she said pointing at her wrist.

"Really?" asked the puzzled man.

"Yes, do you have the TIME please?"

"OK," the man shrugged, looked at his watch, and then took out his gun and shot her dead.

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What's the deal with telephones? It's like I'm talking into one machine, and you're talking into the other one. Why don't I just say it to your face?

What's the difference between a Christian softball game, and a regular softball game? The players in the Christian game go to heaven.

SO what ELSE is going on?

There's a hole in the ocean with a bunch of oil coming out of it. And I'm NOT talking about The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

Did anyone else hear about these kids that are starvin' in Africa? I heard they get raped too.

I asked my girlfriend to give me a golden parachute, and she gave me millions of dollars to retire with.

I can imagine masturbating, and I can imagine tying a belt around my neck, but I can't imagine listening to INXS.

I take that back, I can listen to INXS. Just not with my EARS! Zing!!

I'd listen to them with my heart.

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The farmer asked the cow, 'What's that up in the night sky?"

"Moo." The cow replied.

"Very good," said the farmer, "How about at Dairy Queen, what's that coffee treat you can get - blank latte?"

"Moo," the cow mooed.

"Excellent! Way to go Carla. Here, how about this one, "Who are the folks that eat Christian children and control the natural gas industry?"

"Moo..."

"That's right, Carla - the filthy Armenians."