I Regret Buying an Ipad

By Omar 

Like you, I am not extremely handsome or intelligent. To get along in this world I have developed ways to make myself appear more attractive. While in the past I may have only dated women, that is only because so far no man will take me.

One of the "tricks" I have discovered in my life has been to buy expensive products that other sane and rational people would never get. Then I flaunt said product as to garner the attention I would otherwise not receive. This practice is the only reason that at 28 I am not a virgin. My first time was made possible by purchasing a FUBU book bag with a special compartment built-in for a baseball hat. Looking back, I'm not sure how it worked, but thank God it did!

Recently a new product came out by Apple called the Ipad. Somehow I was able to look beyond the menstruation jokes and decide that if I did not buy this product my life would forever be empty due to my grotesque appearance and lack of social networks. I knocked a couple of grandmothers over for their change and then charged them for protection money. Afterward, I was able to sell enough crack, bought with the old geezers' money to purchase an Ipad.

When I got it in the mail I absolutely flipped. I was so excited until I realized that I couldn't actually use it until I got a computer. A few more mugged elderlies later, my Ipad is up and running on my Mac Mini. While there are a few things I like about the Ipad (Netflix, Pandora, Pornhub, Installous), the negatives far outweigh the positives. For one, People are constantly stopping me on the street and asking if they can play with it. Now, don't get me wrong, I have been waiting my entire life for this very situation to happen to me. Sadly, the "it" in my dreams and the "it" they are referring to are completely different in size shape and ability to distribute liquids.

I now spend most of my time watching people play with my Ipad. The responses I get from people is uninspiring. It's as if everyone was given scripts, yet none were told that they are reading for the same part: obnoxious stranger #973. Each first asks if the device I am holding is an Ipad. Afterwards they say either, "Wow, what is that like, a big Ipod touch?" Usually I remark that yes it is a huge ipod touch just like their bathtub is just a small pond. Usually the person then starts to make a run for it with my Ipad. Luckily, Apple made an app for that, its called Ishoot. While it costs me a fraction of what the Ipad costs me, I find myself using this app more than I do my Ipad. Sadly, I have about four bodies on Ishoot with a few more accidental injuries that I'd rather not discuss, i.e Plaxico, and Cheddar Bob.

There may be a plethora of awesome things to do on the Ipad, the warrants I have received for my arrest does in no way make up for its good qualities. I just wish I knew somebody who would want to buy this from me. Do you know anyone?